Tag Archives: Humor

Rabbits really Like Magic Conferences

Rabbits really like magic conferences. It is a good place to find a mate, and they can poop on the faces of ‘kings’, ‘queens’ and ‘jacks’ that are in the same hat.  

 Spoiler Alert:

The best kept secret of magicians union (yes, they have one too!) is that rabbits fertilize externally, and inside a black hat, it takes only 5 minutes for them to develop from fertilized egg to full-grown young adult (slightly older babies). 

 

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monkey, 2 trains and a conundrum of sorts

While teaching relative motion, my 11th grade physics teacher had asked us this question:

“If a munnkey [sic] is running on a train, and the speed of train is 60 km/h. The speed of munkey is 25 km/h. Another train crosses this train in opposite direction at a speed of 70 km/h. What is the relative speed of the other train to this running munnkey?”

We probably solved it that day, but now when I look back, I feel that the solution that day was an understatement, and an oversimplification of this complex phenomenon. Years later, after receiving a PhD, publishing a few scientific papers, while I am finding joy in the complexity of this universe, I get reminded of that question, and I ask the same question to myself that I asked that day; Why the hell is this fast munnkey running on the train?

My years of Aristotalian quest of a philosophical understanding has led me to understand following things, (or raise these further questions):

1) Munnkey is really fast. 

2) He/She is quite an adrenaline-junkie. Running on a running train falls is the category of those Red Bull sponsored extreme events.

3)  Where is he going? Does he have a family in other city/zoo. Is he running away from a zoo? Did he buy a ticket? If yes, then he can sit inside the train. There is no need to run on the top of train. Did he accidentally get stuck on the train? Was he just sitting, and train started moving. Maybe, he was double-crossed by some other bad monkey to meet him on the train top, right when the train moves. 

4) If the intended destination of this train is not his/her real destination, and he/she accidentally got on this train, then how desperate his this monkey to get home? Will he/she jump on the other train going in the opposite direction to go back home. Can he/she do it successfully? Can he/she judge the speeds of all things moving, to do a good jump? Did my physics teacher try to help him/her out? 

5) Owing to the serious implications of the previous point, I think the question of relative motion is bit flawed. The word relative itself is relative. I can calculate the relative speeds to a point on a train with no hesitation. Or a moving robot for that matter.  But this is a sad, confused and adrenaline-high monkey. I have no idea how they perceive things under those conditions. I mean, you know how time seems to move slower when you are anxious or sad, or scared. Similarly, I don’t know if he is really seeing speeds as they are. So i don’t really know what is the relative speed of opposing train to the munnkey. 

Summarily, it is a complex problem. Like the universe itself. 

 

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When life gives you lemons, DO NOT make lemonade!

They say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I tend to disagree, because in my own experience, life NEVER gives you lemons. When was the last time that some stranger named ‘life’ (first name, last name probably ‘boat’) walked up to you and said, “Here, have some lemons!” Ok, I am being too demanding, when was the last time you got lemons randomly, free of cost, with no anticipation of getting them in first place.

                  Secondly, lets assume that life did in fact give you lemons by some unordinary twist of fate, even then, the assumption behind this statement is that you are in pretty dire straits, and life has only given you lemons. Nothing else! If you just have lemons, and nothing else, making lemonade is bit tricky. Lemonade as I learned from my recent google search, needs sugar, water, and maraschino cherries (if you are making pink lemonade). Since life has given you nothing else, you will have to buy this stuff from grocery store that is if you have money. Now, essentially you are stuck in situation where for the sake of using those free lemons, you end up spending lot more of your money. This is exactly like getting Bath and Body works coupon that says “Get another tiny-meaningless-useless-hopeless shower gel even though you already have a good one at home with purchases above $50.” Moreover, if you have money, and you are in dire straits, you should probably save that money, and not waste on lemonade.

                  Now, lets assume that you are in dire straits and you don’t have money. In that case you can try to steal sugar, but any stealing exercise comes with the risk of getting caught and being sent to jail. So, essentially what you can try is to steal it and stash your sugar 2 feet under ground, and walk happily and carefree for next few days, pretending as if you know nothing about sugar packets that have gone missing from the town store. When the matter finally dies down, you can take them out again, and try to make your lemonade. Although, I am afraid your lemons and your sugar both would have gone bad by now.

                  Some of the more business-savvy among you might think that you should make lemonade, not for you, but for a lemonade-stall business. Although this idea is still plagued by problems mentioned in earlier paragraph, more importantly, you should not start a business on stolen goods. In long run, it leads to bankruptcy (e.g wall street banks), in which case you would be expecting more lemons. So, you are essentially stuck in vicious cycle of lemons-stealing-bankruptcy.  Even if you do decide to sell the lemonade made out of stolen goods, it is not a very profitable business. Else there would be more billionaires in schools than Silicon valley.

                  Now you may wonder, what can be done if life does give you lemons. I think you should either eat them raw, or just throw them. If you are really hell-bent on the path of moral corruptness, you should dry them till they become bullet-hard, and then attack the next guy who looks rich enough. But if you do get rich in doing so, don’t forget to buy a bagful of lemons, and give it to the next guy who looks in abject condition. Only then can we have a sustainable lemon-based societal development. 

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Thanksgiving

It is Thanksgiving. Extraordinary days require an extraordinary understanding of the world’s strings, and its stitches. Surrounded by an air of deep thoughts, and a mind full of crop circles of worldly challenges, he writes, “The man standing next to me is not going to make it big in life. He is going to end up in a job where he will have to wear a donut costume, stand on the traffic signal, and point travelers towards a whorehouse of food. Unable to feed his family, one day when his 4 year old kid will try to bite into his donut costume thinking that it is real food, he would feel disappointed, simultaneously at himself and his God.

The man behind the ticket-counter of Amtrak buys the first ticket of day for himself, but never travels. He is going to wonder about the fruitlessness of his habit in his days of senility. He is going to look at his boxes full of tickets to places he never visited; Boxes whose worth in his money was thousands of dollars, but for anyone else, it is just trash. He would go out, buy a cheap bottle of wine, drink half of it, and pour other half on the boxes of his unfulfilled ambitions, before burning the whole house down with him.

I am never going to become a writer, and I am never going to have a book in my name. But my state is not going to be as abysmal as the donut man, or the man at counter. So. Happy Thanksgiving! ”

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Gilchrist should have kissed Rakhi Sawant and …

 

If Gilchrist wanted people to buy his book and then read it, I think he should have kissed Rakhi Sawant, or endorsed Raj Thackeray, or said that he was schizophrenic (with his wicketkeeper and batsman personalities separate) and then devoted a chapter to the incident. But if he wanted people to buy his book and then burn it on streets, then in that case calling Sachin a ‘Bad Sport’ or ‘Sore Loser’ is a nice move too!

 

Though Gilchrist today said that he was misrepresented by media and for the time being, I will chose Gilchrist over present-day-24 X 7-ranting-gone crazy-no ethics-ready-to-publish-anything news channels. Anyways he said that he is going to explain his stand in his column over the weekend. Skeptics might find it as cheap publicity stunt for promoting the column!

 

Anyways, I do believe in freedom of expression and freedom to form opinions. I am also a believer that Sachin is not God (so many scores in nineties! I mean com’on God would love to get 100s). But among all this conundrum of gilCHRIST vs SACHin, I think unavailability for a handshake in dressing room (that’s after on-field after-game hand shake) does not really mean you are a sore loser. I mean, com’on, you have played for five days, you do need to take shower. You can’t just wait for other team to walk into your dressing room and shake hands. (lame excuse! Really lame! I know!)

 

Regarding Monkeygate Scandal, firstly I hate to call every scandal _________gate scandal, secondly I highly doubt that a Sardar Indian player would call somebody a ‘monkey’ when his temper is sky high! According to a survey, swearing in native tongue is far more calming than using a phoren language. (Don’t ask me the source of data, I conducted the survey today only with 5 of my friends!). So if Sachin said he did not hear anything on field and than told truth in testimony (which Gilchrist will have no idea as it was a closed door hearing),  and stood by his teammate, then in my opinion this does not count as Bad Sport. If that’s Bad sport, then  what do you call, every false appeal where Gilly abetted Ricky Ponting, and every sledging incident where he supported McGrath.

 

I have high respect for both Sachin and Gilchrist, and I just hope that media turns out to be sinner in this whole incident. 

And I am very sorry for the cheap, incorrect, publicity seeking title to this post.

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