Category Archives: Religion

Of Snakes and Herpetologists

[For most part this post may not make any sense. But thats what happens with me everytime I am thinking about snakes. It is some psychological anti-creativity snake toxin of sorts! I blank out at the time of writing, although I started off with lot of snake stories in my head!]

[Q & A]

“Are you from India?”

“Yeah. Yup. I mean yes!”

“Are there lot of snake charmers there?”

“Not anymore! Snakes ate them all. After all its always survival of the fittest.”

******

[Conversation]

“Its such a bright and cheerful day outside! Why are we rotting in house? Lets go and play Frisbee”

“Noooooo!! I am watching TV”

“What are you watching?

“Snakes on the plane”

“What? That movie is rated like 3 out of 10!”

“No. Its probably 2 out of 10.”

“Why are you watching it then?”

“Because its 2 out of 10 kinda movie.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I love crappy movies. See, the guy just said that they could not detect snakes on thermal scans because they are cold blooded animals. That’s hilarious!”

******

[Cartoon]

herpetologist(I know, its dumb! Lets call it my PJ of the day)

*******

[Quote]

“Somebody should (bleep) invent a time machine, and then (bleep) go back in time, and then (bleep) shoot that (bleep) snake in that (bleep) Adam-Eve story in its (bleep) head.

Oh wait! And then feed it to Adam and Eve! (bleep)”

No Arguments

[family talk]

My dad calls me up this morning and says, “See, That’s why I did not let you become a sailor. If you had your way that day, you would have been hostage on some pirate ship on coasts of Slovenia today,…”

“Dad!!!” I said, adding “Its not Slovenia, its Somalia.”

“Whatever. No arguments! You kids never get the point.”

*****

[occupational hazard]

“I am an evolutionary biologist, and I live in Pennsylvania. Taken together, it means that as soon as I am outside the peripheries of my campus, I am known as ‘Satan’s Son’

******

[religion]

8.30 AM Phone rings

Me: hello…HELLOOO!

Some women on other end starts speaking.

Some Woman (SW) : Mumble Mumble mumble from __________faith church. I would like to read a chapter of Bible to you. Can I start now?

Me: What?

SW: I would like to read a chapter….

Me: NO! I think I understood you the first time…

SW: So, can I start now?

Me: NOOO !!! Ehm…(I realize I am sounding very rude)…hmmm…I am in middle of something right now…so I think its not a good idea right now.

SW: Sir, in that case, can I call you some other time?

Me: ahh…NO!

SW: Mumble ‘French sounding Mumble’ Thank you sir. Thak!

Thak

I throw my cell phone on bed, and start wondering, what if, this is exactly what happens when you die -you get a call, somebody tells you your crime/sin stats, and then somebody starts narrating you chapters of Bible -that too, on phone.

Notes on Valentine’s day

I distinctly remember that last year I had written a blog about Saudi’s banning Red for V-day. Since then a BMW M5 with a registration plate that says ‘UAE’ has been following me all over the place. I have seen it outside my coffee shop, my home, my lab, …. almost everywhere. Either it’s some strange force of attraction between that BMW M5 and me, or I am being followed! Really I think I am being followed!

            Anyways this year, for reasons excluding and including that I am scared of dying at hands of a crowd throwing stones at me, I am going to focus back home to India, where a group of saffron clad purveyors of God’s message, were trying to correct the morality standards of society on V-day (and earning media limelight on their way). I heard that there were incidents where couples were asked to tie Rakhis (a thread that signifies brother-sister relationship) to each other under duress, a guy was married to a donkey (what??) and a lot of couples were beaten up. And all this while when moral policing was going on, real cops who are always in a perpetual state of disillusionment, were standing and watching the proceedings. Anyhow, my take on the things is that, first, I agree with the quote that says Censorship like charity should start at home but(/and) should end there. Secondly, I don’t agree with the way some self proclaimed moral poilicing groups conduct their business, should I be allowed equal people beating, vanadalising rights to do the same to these groups. (and not to forget media attention!). Third, can somebody please tell me what happened to that guy who married to the donkey. Interesting story there isn’t it…

(The guy slowly trudges in to his parents house, with his newly wed wife donkey, slowly following him.

Slow music that accompanies walking fades down…)

Guy: Mom (pause), Dad, This is your new Donkey in Law!

Parents: Nahinnnnn!!!! (a very dramatic NO!)Mom faints!

(Donkey walks slowly towards her mother in law)

Chorus (all saffron colored): Applause! Jai Shri Ram! Jai Shri Ram!

Curtain falls

 

*****

[Excerpt from my novel currently titled ‘The Greatest Novel Ever Written”]

 

” I think I should write a song for her this Valentine’s Day and compose music on a didgeridoo for that song. Then I can arrange a group of Hawaiian dancers to dance to that tune. Oh! I would also need some flamingoes. Oh! And I would need a kid to dress up as cupid. …”

“What the hell are you talking about. V-day is tomorrow! Just tell her!”

 

****** 

What if Shri Ram and Sita got married on February 14th. Would it change Shri Ram Sena’s outlook towards V-Day in any way or will they file copyright case against St. valentine??

A Case of Heavenly Involvements

Somebody filed a case in court questioning the inclusion of word ‘God’ in a ‘particular’ pledge. The man claims to be an atheist. Well I don’t have much to say in this regard but back in school, we used to have a pledge in morning assembly that used to say that, “All Indians are my brothers and sisters”. Every boy in school used to say till “All Indians are my brothers and remain silent on sister part.” Very simple way not to pledge something we don’t believe, but we never went to court fighting the pledge. Now I think we should have filed a case against school. It would have been fun.

So this atheist guy has filed a case. I don’t want to get into any atheist vs theist debate here but well how is this guy going to prove that he is an atheist. That should be important in order to prove that the pledge is actually against his beliefs and word ‘God’ is actually hurting his sentiments. I mean one way is to see what he says when theist say, ” Oh my God!!”. He might me saying ‘Oh my” only.

My suggestion to that dude is that forget this case. I mean why to increase the load on already loaded judiciary system this holiday season and just remain silent when everybody says, “GOD” during that pledge. Merry Christmas and May God bless you. Oops. May ______ bless you.