Category Archives: India

Lets Start Over Again

Eight months, and not a single word on this blog. Shame on me!

First few months of my not so prolific blogging period, I blamed everybody and almost everything, for not writing. After some time, I got bored of blaming too. So, I stopped that too.

Afterwards, I decided I will drive down from Pennsylvania to California to get some interesting ideas and life experiences to talk about. Road trip has done many wonders to many lives in many movies (The one in particular that I like is ‘One Week’ by Michael McGowan). Well after 6 days of driving across this vast and widely diverse country, I thought I had a lot to talk about, but again I failed to put that ‘so much to talk about’ into words. Maybe, sometime soon, I will be able to tell you here, how people in Indiana/Nebraska drive while reading magazines on dull straight roads, while, there is a Punjabi-owned Gas Station in middle of desert. I will tell you about the salt flats, and my fridge magnet collection from road. My road trip ended at Davis, a small college town in California, which is my current home. A place where even after 6 months, I have not settled in. There is a lot to talk about this place, my gradual Californication (not in the sense of the popular TV series) mixed with a nostalgia for Pennsylvania wilds and winters (Yes, you read it right. I missed Pennsylvania in winters).

Also, somewhere in the middle of all this, I made a trip back home to Delhi. Family, friends, frenzy and fun. Lots of fun. Delhi, how much it has changed in two years. How in my heart I always feel I am a Dilliwallah, but when people asked me about Metro routes and bus numbers, I replied, “Sorry! I am not from Delhi”, and then felt sad that I had to say this in a city where I grew up. Anyways, more on that later.

Then one day, I sat down on my new chair, placed my macbook on my newly assembled Ikea table, hit play on the ‘Chariots of Fire’ from my playlist titled ‘Blogging’ (a playlist that I had made earlier weekend), and then I stared on blank screen for next 2 hours. I think I might be the only person in world with a blogging playlist.

Then in last few months, I looked for a perfect blog to make a come back.Then late today, in a moment of revelation, it occurred to me that much like everything else in life, there is no perfect topic/blog to make a comeback. So here it is, lets start over again with whatever we have. Shall we?

Unlikely Things to Hear in a Cricket Commentry

“In earlier over, you witnessed that there was a minor tiff between the bowler and batsman. Now, the good news is that they have both decided to sort their differences, but the bad news is that they have decided to do so by the medium of a duel.”

“Rahul Dravid is still on 14 not out, before he moves to 15, I will tell you recipes for chocolate chip cookies, and a vegetarian lasagnia.”

“……so where were we? Yes! You were saying that your grandpa could hit a six which would be two miles long. Well, take it you moron, my grandpa, once hit a six that landed in a totally different city.”

“Actually what happened was that batsman first said BLEEP, then bowler replied and said BLEEP, then wicketkeeper intervened with BLEEP BLEEP, but the BLEEEP umpire did nothing. By this time it was BLEEEP to BLEEEP was BLEEEEP is to BLEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP”

“Important announcement: Shoaib has just started his run-up from our launch station situated 2 miles away. Batsmen and fielders should be at their positions in 15 minutes”

“Victory of Xinghala tribe over Australian team has once again proven that bats made out human bones are better than willow.”

“One team will win, one team will lose, or it will be a tie. Who cares, its all shite anyways? Lets talk about better things in life, like me and kathy……”

“Winner of the world cup final will be decided by popular vote. If you think Team India should win then text 7774, and if you think Team Australia should win then text 7733.”

“Playing with a grenade in place of cricket ball, has made this game even more exciting.”

[I think it is Anuradha who had asked me to do this one long time back. Since I am undergoing a severe bout of insomnia tonight, and a bit clogged in my head, here it is, my generosity towards my readers. Anybody else wants to read anything else. Let me know! :)]

Unlikely Things to Hear In Indian Parliament

“Dear Mr. Speaker, I call for a pillow fight on the issue of nuclear non-proliferation.”

“Why can’t the BJP, have beer pong competition and settle their internal differences for once and all.”

“Now is the time to vote. So all the members of house are requested to please wake up.”

Speaker: Today we have a special guest in the house, DJ Mbanwa Jay Jango, So lets “Shake it! Shake it!….”

“This year I am making a change to the rail budget. From now on, the rail budget would be presented in the rail itself. So everybody, please book your tickets to tomorrow’s Shatabdi Express.”

“Madame Gandhi, Can you please ask or order our prime minister to sign on this act?”

Speaker: After counting the votes for the No-confidence motion, it seems that is a TIE. But don’t worry, I have tie-breaker questions.

“As a matter of fact, I don’t have too much confidence in a motion that is called No-Confidence motion.”

“Before we start the proceedings of house, lets congratulate our minister of defense for achieving highest score in ‘International Quake 3 Fight Down’.”

Prime Minister: …and that ladies and gentleman, is our State of Nation. Thank you! Jai Hind!…. Oh! And don’t forget Friday night, poker at my place.”

“There is only one man who can save us now, and that, Mr. Speaker, happens to be, Shaktiman! Shaktimaaaannn!!! Wo atam shakti hain, duniaya badal sakti hain, ….

“…population is rising, pollution is increasing, poverty is increasing, unemployment is rising, prices are going high, suicide rate among farmers is increasing, crime rate is increasing. I can’t understand why people are saying that our country is going down?”

“I DEMAND…am sorry, I forgot what I was saying..”

“We are the living proof, that Murphy was right when he said, “Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

“Rakhi, I love you!!!”

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Unlikely Things to Hear On Indian Reality Shows

“Aye, main to kaam waali bai re! mere ko to khali ghar saaf karne ka bola!” (I am the house cleaning lady, and I was told to clean the house)

All our audience who are wondering why they are seeing only a blank screen today, here’s the answer; actually a robber broke into our house last nite and stole all our cameras.

“I am Pratibha Patil, and I am a witch doctor!”

“Okay, all the participants, we are going to leave five alligators in your bedroom tonite. All those who survive will face a vote out tomorrow.”

“Rakhi ji is going to marry you one by one, but you have to tell her one new story every night. If you run out of stories, she will kill you and marry next one.”

“For vote out today, we have Jaadu (from outer space), Krissh and Laloo Prasad Yadav”

“I am a psychic and I know I am going to win this show.”

“Shilpa, you cannot use race card every time.”

“This is Roadies Whiteout. This year we go to Antarctica and winner will get to drive back home on his Karizma Bike. Losers will be buried in snow for posterity.”

“Due to recession, there would be no vote-out today. We are just going to throw some of you out.”

“I am writer of this reality show. So everybody, listen…”

“TRPs are falling. So lets shed some clothes!”

“No Sashi, you can’t tweet everything that goes on in this house. Not even after using metaphorical language.”

“I used to be a cameraman on the amazing race, then I thought, why should I run behind participants holding a camera? I can be a participant myself!”

“Our house got foreclosure notice. Who the hell owns this place?”

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Unlikely Things to Hear on Ektaa Kapoor Serial

  1. He is dead and he won’t be back for sure this time.
  2. In the series finale….
  3. Narrator (in an Ajeet ‘Lion’ voice): (RECAP) Its very very simple…Komolika is trying to F$%k around with Tulsi by killing her husband, who just wouldn’t die, Mrinalini is helping Tulsi and also helping Komolika, and Mandira is not Mihir’s wife as popularly believed, Mihir is actually married to Komolika but Tulsi thinks  he is married to her…whatever, its all bullshit!
  4. For all of you who are wondering what happened to Komolika, here is an update: She suffered slip disk under the weight of her lehnga. We need a new actress now.
  5. Narrator: It is not real!! So STOP crying!
  6. Narrator: Here is an important message for all the ladies watching us right now, “STOP PLOTTING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER IN LAW”
  7. (Doctor to Tulsi): You are suffering from Schizophrenia, (turns to all her relatives standing next to her bed) and its time for you to leave the show.
  8. Issued in Public Interest.
  9. This week in Kyunkiiii-fill-in-whatever-hain, all characters take a class on ‘ poisons that can be easily added to milk without changing its color.’
  10.  Maa Saa! What did you do in park? There are Bajrang Dal people throwing stones at our house now.
  11. Tulsi: Oh! F$%k! You mean to say this is not big brother’s house. I want to leave now!
  12.  (All the characters in unison): Reality TV is kicking our ass. So from next episode, we are going to use more profanity, wear skimpy clothes, and do whatever we do now. 

 [Note: For quite some time now, I have been so inspired to do a Mock The Week India blog, but till that works out, lets remain satisfied with Unlikely things…]

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TV’s Moment of Zen

RakhiLast Friday, I had this genius of an idea that I should watch ‘Rakhi ka Swayamwar’ and then write at least 10 funny blogs on the idiocy that goes on in that show. But it turns out that I ignored the side effects of genius(ness), because here I am, with holes in my brain, gray cells that you can count on your fingers, and hollow eye sockets as I decided to gorge on my own eyes after watching 20 minutes of that show.

Taking cue from my favorite ‘The Daily Show’, here it is your moment of zen, (you can directly jump to 1.05), after which it becomes, AMAYYZIIINGG!!

 

Food vs Sleep

had for lunch

This graph is based on a lot of assumptions and some other things that I can’t remeber the word for. Anyways, i would have explained all the things but i had Indian for lunch and i am ……ZZzzzzz (Snore Snore) (Kidding! I never snore.)

Cyclone Aila Relief Work

AIla[photo: A. R. Chowdhury]

Cyclone Aila struck the coasts of Bangladesh and West Bengal, India killing more than 200 people and destroying 180,000 homes. Over 3 million people have been displaced as per the estimates.

The govt help is as always not adequate. Association for India’s Development (AID) is partnering with local NGO partners to provide food, water and shelter. AID has already disbursed $21,000 to one of the partner NGO Baikanthapur Tarun Sangha(BTS) for this work.

If you would like to help the relief work please donate to AID All India Relief Fund.

Click here if you would like to follow the regular updates (from people working right in the middle of it and not from seasoned journalists)

If you would like to go and help in the relief work drop a hint in the comments section.

Cyclone Aila in press : BBC The Daily StarCNN ToI The Hindu

You can also follow latest updates on Relief Work at Amit Arora’s (AID, Penn Sate Chapter) blog.
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On Shoe Throwing and Uncle M.

George Bush

P. Chidambram

Manmohan Singh

L.K. Advani

oh wait…

my friend  Patroclus (name changed, obviously), who had a shoe thrown at him by a classmate girl. (really!)

Wow, the list is increasing…Protest and Disagreement have a new form of expression, and I cannot imagine anybody more happy than my uncle M. Having conceptualized this idea of ‘shoe-throwing as a path to political reform’ late when I was still a kid, I am pretty sure, uncle M would have been the first one to execute it on a big stage, had somebody put him in the big stage in first place, maybe with a journalism tag or something.

Any political rally on TV screen, and after every promise of reform by the political leader, M would say, “Chappal maro saale ko! Kuch nahin karega elect hone ke baad” [which kind of translates to ‘He is not gonna do anything after he gets elected, so hit my brother in law him with slippers’]. M’s idea of worn out, torn out shoes to a massive social reform was not limited to his political discontent. Back when Indian cricket team was playing really bad, his solution was not change the captain or coach, but instead, “Saale har ek ko 100-100 chappal maaro, and phir field pe utaro” [Hit each player with slippers 100 times and then send them to play on field].

I heard M repeat these statements everywhere in every possible scenario; If the movie is bad, shoes should be thrown at director/actor (not the actress, no way!), If there is a traffic jam, shoes should be thrown at the head of Police dept., If kid in the neighborhood was bitten by stray dog, shoes should be thrown at the dog and Maneka Gandhi. While watching the movie, he even thought that throwing shoes at King Kong was going to work.

[PS: While writing this post, I had assumed that he would be the happiest guy after all this shoe throwing thing catching up big times in protest circles, but while talking to my cousin (M’s son), I came to know his reaction on the famous/infamous Iraqi journlist Muntather Zaidi, and here is the twister in tale, he said, “Saale ko chappal maro! Amerikkan rashtrapati pe joota penkh raha hain!” (Hit him(Zaidi) with slippers, (how dare) he  is throwing shoes at American President)]