Category Archives: In the News

Well…

…this blog has become my favorite ground for “promise-cide”. Every time I come back from an exile, I promise to stick around, and then leave again, then some months later come back-back. Quite a bad habit I have picked up. Anyways, all this while I had enveloped my writing aura into a layer of self-doubt, and sealed the envelope with general hatred for mankind. I had casted an impression on myself that I could not write, but, late last night I realized that the reason I could not write was a) I was not writing b) I did not have my superman cape on.

Easy things to take care of!

So, here I am, back again…

What did I miss?

A few people, dressed up in suits, sitting in high chairs, decided how many people should get rights to be covered under the miracles of medicines. Earth’s belly shook a couple of times. Few people played a crazy game, many watched it, and few collected the money.

People expressed opinions. People opposed the opinions. People burned other people while opposing the opinions.People burned themselves while opposing the opinions. People burnt flags in opposing the opinions. Flags were draped around people who got burnt while expressing or opposing the opinions. Water in seas kept rising. Water in eyes kept rising.Smoke from burning kept rising. Rising smoke blinded the mayflies. Mayflies collided and died. Dead flies waited thousands of years to become liquid. People became addicted to the liquid, and started burning it. Smoke kept rising.

All this while, the rock that we call home, kept falling towards infinity. Mathematicians said, “Ahhhaa…Infinity!”

*****

[Music]

Here is the song playing in my head…enjoy!

Unlikely Things to Hear in a Cricket Commentry

“In earlier over, you witnessed that there was a minor tiff between the bowler and batsman. Now, the good news is that they have both decided to sort their differences, but the bad news is that they have decided to do so by the medium of a duel.”

“Rahul Dravid is still on 14 not out, before he moves to 15, I will tell you recipes for chocolate chip cookies, and a vegetarian lasagnia.”

“……so where were we? Yes! You were saying that your grandpa could hit a six which would be two miles long. Well, take it you moron, my grandpa, once hit a six that landed in a totally different city.”

“Actually what happened was that batsman first said BLEEP, then bowler replied and said BLEEP, then wicketkeeper intervened with BLEEP BLEEP, but the BLEEEP umpire did nothing. By this time it was BLEEEP to BLEEEP was BLEEEEP is to BLEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP”

“Important announcement: Shoaib has just started his run-up from our launch station situated 2 miles away. Batsmen and fielders should be at their positions in 15 minutes”

“Victory of Xinghala tribe over Australian team has once again proven that bats made out human bones are better than willow.”

“One team will win, one team will lose, or it will be a tie. Who cares, its all shite anyways? Lets talk about better things in life, like me and kathy……”

“Winner of the world cup final will be decided by popular vote. If you think Team India should win then text 7774, and if you think Team Australia should win then text 7733.”

“Playing with a grenade in place of cricket ball, has made this game even more exciting.”

[I think it is Anuradha who had asked me to do this one long time back. Since I am undergoing a severe bout of insomnia tonight, and a bit clogged in my head, here it is, my generosity towards my readers. Anybody else wants to read anything else. Let me know! :)]

Unlikely Things to Hear In Indian Parliament

“Dear Mr. Speaker, I call for a pillow fight on the issue of nuclear non-proliferation.”

“Why can’t the BJP, have beer pong competition and settle their internal differences for once and all.”

“Now is the time to vote. So all the members of house are requested to please wake up.”

Speaker: Today we have a special guest in the house, DJ Mbanwa Jay Jango, So lets “Shake it! Shake it!….”

“This year I am making a change to the rail budget. From now on, the rail budget would be presented in the rail itself. So everybody, please book your tickets to tomorrow’s Shatabdi Express.”

“Madame Gandhi, Can you please ask or order our prime minister to sign on this act?”

Speaker: After counting the votes for the No-confidence motion, it seems that is a TIE. But don’t worry, I have tie-breaker questions.

“As a matter of fact, I don’t have too much confidence in a motion that is called No-Confidence motion.”

“Before we start the proceedings of house, lets congratulate our minister of defense for achieving highest score in ‘International Quake 3 Fight Down’.”

Prime Minister: …and that ladies and gentleman, is our State of Nation. Thank you! Jai Hind!…. Oh! And don’t forget Friday night, poker at my place.”

“There is only one man who can save us now, and that, Mr. Speaker, happens to be, Shaktiman! Shaktimaaaannn!!! Wo atam shakti hain, duniaya badal sakti hain, ….

“…population is rising, pollution is increasing, poverty is increasing, unemployment is rising, prices are going high, suicide rate among farmers is increasing, crime rate is increasing. I can’t understand why people are saying that our country is going down?”

“I DEMAND…am sorry, I forgot what I was saying..”

“We are the living proof, that Murphy was right when he said, “Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

“Rakhi, I love you!!!”

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Unlikely Things to Hear On Indian Reality Shows

“Aye, main to kaam waali bai re! mere ko to khali ghar saaf karne ka bola!” (I am the house cleaning lady, and I was told to clean the house)

All our audience who are wondering why they are seeing only a blank screen today, here’s the answer; actually a robber broke into our house last nite and stole all our cameras.

“I am Pratibha Patil, and I am a witch doctor!”

“Okay, all the participants, we are going to leave five alligators in your bedroom tonite. All those who survive will face a vote out tomorrow.”

“Rakhi ji is going to marry you one by one, but you have to tell her one new story every night. If you run out of stories, she will kill you and marry next one.”

“For vote out today, we have Jaadu (from outer space), Krissh and Laloo Prasad Yadav”

“I am a psychic and I know I am going to win this show.”

“Shilpa, you cannot use race card every time.”

“This is Roadies Whiteout. This year we go to Antarctica and winner will get to drive back home on his Karizma Bike. Losers will be buried in snow for posterity.”

“Due to recession, there would be no vote-out today. We are just going to throw some of you out.”

“I am writer of this reality show. So everybody, listen…”

“TRPs are falling. So lets shed some clothes!”

“No Sashi, you can’t tweet everything that goes on in this house. Not even after using metaphorical language.”

“I used to be a cameraman on the amazing race, then I thought, why should I run behind participants holding a camera? I can be a participant myself!”

“Our house got foreclosure notice. Who the hell owns this place?”

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Unlikely Things to Hear on Ektaa Kapoor Serial

  1. He is dead and he won’t be back for sure this time.
  2. In the series finale….
  3. Narrator (in an Ajeet ‘Lion’ voice): (RECAP) Its very very simple…Komolika is trying to F$%k around with Tulsi by killing her husband, who just wouldn’t die, Mrinalini is helping Tulsi and also helping Komolika, and Mandira is not Mihir’s wife as popularly believed, Mihir is actually married to Komolika but Tulsi thinks  he is married to her…whatever, its all bullshit!
  4. For all of you who are wondering what happened to Komolika, here is an update: She suffered slip disk under the weight of her lehnga. We need a new actress now.
  5. Narrator: It is not real!! So STOP crying!
  6. Narrator: Here is an important message for all the ladies watching us right now, “STOP PLOTTING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER IN LAW”
  7. (Doctor to Tulsi): You are suffering from Schizophrenia, (turns to all her relatives standing next to her bed) and its time for you to leave the show.
  8. Issued in Public Interest.
  9. This week in Kyunkiiii-fill-in-whatever-hain, all characters take a class on ‘ poisons that can be easily added to milk without changing its color.’
  10.  Maa Saa! What did you do in park? There are Bajrang Dal people throwing stones at our house now.
  11. Tulsi: Oh! F$%k! You mean to say this is not big brother’s house. I want to leave now!
  12.  (All the characters in unison): Reality TV is kicking our ass. So from next episode, we are going to use more profanity, wear skimpy clothes, and do whatever we do now. 

 [Note: For quite some time now, I have been so inspired to do a Mock The Week India blog, but till that works out, lets remain satisfied with Unlikely things…]

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About ‘Snakes in the Restroom’

Every now and then, while flipping/scrolling through daily news, there comes an article, which is so different from the usual horror stories of life. Here is one that I found recently:

Picture 3

This is how the article starts:

An Australian man will be putting his toilet seat down in the future after discovering a python almost twice his size curled up in the bowl.

I read this and I am like ‘wow!’. That’s exactly a kind of story I am looking for, among stories of murder, mayhem, war, and likes. –A python sitting calmly in the bowl of a restroom. Imagine, yourself going to restroom in the morning, half asleep, and there it is, a PYTHON, waiting for you. Scary, right? Now imagine your neighbor experiencing this. Funny!

Anyways, a snake wrangler was called and he had following comments to offer:

It’s not unusual to find snakes of that size in the tropics but you don’t find usually them in toilets

Really! Ow oh! this must be a particularly dirty fellow!An odd snake with lack of self respect. 

And this is what people said about the owner:

…the owner lives on a rural property where snakes are respected, so he left the python alone and used a different bathroom until it could be safely removed.

Hilarious! What would he have done, if he did not respect snakes – used the restroom with a python sitting in the bowl.

 According to the whole story and in words of the snake wrangler, this was the take home message:

Keep the toilet seat down and look before you sit!

Just cracked me up! Simply hilarious!

 I read this and realized World’s a much better place!

[Link to the news article]

In a Day…

…when i feel like I am suffering from African Sleeping Sickness, and I am dreaming of best ways to ferry entire population from earth to another ‘livable’ planet ( in case we find one), here are a few stories that I wanted to share [Source: Harper’s Magazine]:

1.

Police in Turkey rescued nine women from a villa where they had spent the last two months being made to fight each other, wear bikinis, and dance by a swimming pool for what they falsely believed was a reality-TV show.

My favorite bit in there – ‘made to fight each other’

2.

A man in Wales was sentenced to prison for murdering his partner after she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “single.”

And here I am, facebook-challenged, still fumbling at all the options on facebook homepage!

3.

After successfully praying for his release from a stuck elevator, a devout Catholic in Vienna went directly to church, where, giving thanks to God, he embraced an 860-pound altar, which fell over, killing him instantly.

Thats one godly way to say, “Stop pestering me! Press the emergency button or call the elevator guy next time!”

 

Good Trailer

Bad Trailer

What are you watching?

reality TV

This might piss off some people…but I am in a mood to piss off people today, anyways…so if you are pissed off by this…I don’t care!

Anyways, it can be read both ways, Art imitates life and vice versa.Though, making a serial about a random girl getting married on TV, or a bunch of idiots locked  in same house, fighting each other is hardly an ‘art’. But whatever!

URGENT Breaking News!

Picture 2

Wow! We have ‘URGENT’ Breaking News now!

In my opinion, A grandma having a meth lab is cool, funny, miscellaneous, ‘to-be-shared-at-watercooler’ news but not URGENT Breaking News! Its urgent to me,only if it was my grandma. But my grandma never does anything that interesting. A meth lab at her house..I am calling my grandma right now and sharing the idea.

200th Post, Oddballs, and Trains

Friday Night, 200th Post, a coffee mug filled with warm water, a new computer mouse, a stack of New Yorkers, a crappy external monitor, and no ideas.

I am amazed that I am still writing. 199 posts, most of them nonsense, except a few which are ‘emo teen’ type. (so much for my retarded growth). I am amazed that I am still writing. I am amazed, there are still things out there that amaze me. I am amazed that I have not gone numb. I am amazed that soggy winds have not bogged me down. I am amazed that some people still smile, when they read me.

Frankly, I would tell the truth here, (for a change), I came pretty close to quitting this blog, donning my superhero costume, and save the world by turning earth the other way round! But then, realized that costume does not fit. Though, the keys on my macbook still fit my fingers. So I came back! So, for now…

1)   I will continue trying to blow your brains out.

2)   I will continue pretending that real world does not exist, its hidden somewhere in warped ink on paper.

3)   I will continue to pretend that If my parents had not dropped me on head, I wouldn’t have been the way I am. (they still fight as to which one of them dropped me)

4)   I will continue to believe that I am an android whose circuitry has gone bad.

5)   I will continue to believe that solution to everything lies in not finding sense but in living the antisense.

Just to leave you with something; here is a video, where some oddball decided to walk up in front of an express train, lay down safely on the tracks, let the train speed over her, got up, dropped her slippers, picked them and walked back home!

“Momma! I am bored! It is 10:15 AM, 43rd Pennsylvanian would be on tracks soon, let me have a nap under it, I would be back soon…cya..”

Ok!! Embedding not working… Click here for the video .