Category Archives: books

Fan Fiction

fan fiction

 

[No is also an answer!]

“Give me an unbreakable vow that you will help Draco finish the job assigned to him by dark lord”, says Narcissa Malfoy.

Snape looks into the darkness of Whatever Street and says, “There are very few people in this world, for whom I would do anything, and you lost that right, when you walked away on me 19 years, 2 months, and 10 hours back.”

He looks at Narcissa’s face for one last time and walks away, without saying any further word. Narcissa stands there alone, watches him disappear into the dark alleys, his flowing robes slowly following him, and images from past flashing before her eyes….

 

[Mistaken Identities]

“Professor Langdon, we found this symbol inscribed…”

“Excuse me, hold on, How many times should I tell you that I am not this Langdon dude!”

“Professor, this is no time to joke, if we don’t act now, the whole world is going to end in 10 hrs…”

“..and how much of those 10 hrs do you want to waste on me. I am not a Professor, my last name is not Langdon, and all these symbols are just cave drawings to me.”

“What about your ID, which says Dr. Robert Langdon”

“Ohhh!! That!!! I was at this restaurant the other day, and I met this totallyyy drunk bastard, and he said that he was ready to trade his wallet for the piece of paper on which I was playing Pictionary. So, I just said deal, and here am I.”

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Brain Freeze!

12.59 AM: 10 minutes since I have been staring at blank screen…

1.06 AM: 17 minutes since I have been staring at an almost blank screen…

1.09 AM: Can’t think of anything to write!

1.13 AM: Coffee or Red Bull?

1.15 AM: Hot white chocolate Mocha it is!

1.16 AM: SHIT! #$%$! No milk!So, No coffee! To hell with Red Bull, too! Just plain H2O it is!

2.00 AM: Just deleted half a page of trashy stuff that made no sense at all.

2.07 AM: Should read something, will stimulate some ideas! New Yorker/Harper’s/David Sedaris?

2.23 AM: Article on misuse of cognitive enhancer drugs in colleges is too long…i think some of the kids in my TA class might have been on Addrell or Ritalin or whatever…always seemed under too much stress, poor kids.

2.26 AM: Feeling hungry

2.35 AM: Hash browns are the greatest thing on earth!

2.43 AM: Phaon was a mythical ferryman…, who hid among the lettuces… (reading Dictionary of mythology and religion)….lettuce! Ha ha…subway should be open 24 hrs.

2.XX AM(not sure!): Need to Pee!

3.03 AM: What the hell! A group of people, on road outside just disappeared, when I blinked…..I am hallucinating. Sleep deprivation. No, if I can analyze that I am hallucinating or not, then I am not hallucinating….whatever!

3.15 AM: Should go to sleep! Have a meeting tomorrow…Gudnite!

3.17 AM: Brush teeth. Pee or Not Pee?

3. 20 AM: Lights off!

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David Sedaris

sedaris

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me for ‘a good read’ which was more on the lines of ‘not very serious, more of a funny stuff’. So I rushed to my bookshelf, pulled out ‘Dress your Family in Corduroy and Denim’ by David Sedaris, and offered it to her. She gladly accepted it. So good so far, but I see her a few weeks later and ask, “How is the Sedaris going?”

She replies blatantly, “I did not like it, so I did not even finish it.”

Okay, so I am now looking for a word for my feelings at that time, lets see, hmm -offended might be it. Really, to me David Sedaris is one of the funniest writers, and has special place in my quartet of favorite writers along with R. K. Narayan, Dave Eggers and Kurt Vonnegut. Although I am still intrigued as to how could somebody not like Sedaris, it is like somebody not liking Santa, idea of a tooth fairy, or a chance to paint Pyramids in their favorite colors.   But, as of now, in what we consider as space-time coordinates of ‘present’, my friend does not like David Sedaris. So I start weighing my options; 1) I can walk into her house, paint all her walls with quotes of David Sedaris, 2) Burn all other books, laptops, any connection to outside world in her house, and not let her come out until she has finished reading all the Sedaris books, 3) Not do anything 4) Add her on my ‘revenge list’ and not appreciate her favorite author.

But what I did instead is just ask her, “Why? I mean, I love that guy, I think he is really really funny.”

“I think he is deliberately trying to be funny at each line.”

“But what if, let’s say, the guy is actually that funny. I have seen a few interviews of him and seems like the guy is actually that funny in real life.”

“Oh in that case, I would give it another try”, she says.

Next day, a common friend of us, returns the book on her behalf. I put the book back in my shelf and pull out my copy of another Sedaris book ‘Naked’ and find this quote somewhere in there, “I haven’t the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

Later that evening, I mulled over the whole issue under a summery star lit sky, and came to a conclusion that, I learned an important lesson today -You can never become a writer that everyone adores. I wrote this bit of conclusion on paper, read it aloud to me, and then added something at the end, “You can never become a writer that everyone adores, and isn’t this thing true in general, you can never become a person that everyone adores.”

(Photo courtesy: Sydney Morning Herald)

Most Boring Thing

shaving-brush

I don’t know why I am not writing anymore. I think, it has something to do with me being lazy and Microsoft powerpoint for mac making it real easy to draw callout boxes and add text to them.  I just decided to make a promise that next post is going to be like older ones; full of gibberish text. (Warning: I am not a good promise-keeper)

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India Diaries III: The Bookstore

More people to help you than required

At any given time there were at least two sales-people following me in each aisle of the bookstore, and had no shame on their poor detective skills as it was clear that they were keeping an eye on me. Now, when something like this happens, it gives you a feeling that you have ‘Shoplifter’ written over your forehead in bold font.  And as if just following was not enough, every 30 sec, somebody would stop by and say, “Sir, Can I help you?”

“No thanks”. Now what makes them think that I need help every 30 sec. I am in a bookstore, not like in a pit of fire, kitchen or a Maths class.

“Sir, Can I help you?”

10th time when somebody asked me, I curbed my instincts to say, “yeah, can you leave me alone?” as that would have made the ‘shoplifter’ sign on my forehead a flashing red in bold, so I said, “Yeah, Do you have any books by David Sedaris”

The guy did not even look for a second and said, “NO!”

“Ok, do you have ‘Being Followed Endlessly’ by G.O. Nectar?”

This time he went looking and came back and said, “No Sir!” and exactly 42 seconds later there was this guy who came back and asked, “Sir, Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah sure! Your aisles are too long, Can I have a camel cart to travel through your shop!”

“No thanks”

Scratch cards are not meant to be scratched

The brightly colored box said on top “Pick up a card and scratch to win 10, 20 or 50% back on your purchase”. So obviously we picked up a card and started searching our pockets for a coin to scratch the card, but just then the women at the counter said, “Sir, please keep it back in the box” in a tone that was a mix of authority and request and would have suited a statement like, “Sir, the mummies are going to eat us all if you don’t keep the card back, and you will be the one to blame for death of us all.”

“Why?”, asked a slightly puzzled me.

“Sir, they are limited in number”

“What do you mean by limited in number? If I am buying something, I can pick one up. Right?”. Limited in number as if they are saving it for the holocaust and one day we are going to survive by eating these discount cards.

Given my luck, It is not that I expected anything more than ‘Try again’ or ‘Rs. 1 off on your next purchase of 1 lakh or more’ but still I kept on haggling for an opportunity to scratch one card.

“No Sir, it is only on purchase of 1000 Rs or more! You have only bought stuff for 454 Rs. only and you have already got a discount on that.” She replied.

“But the box does not say anything like that”. I was pretty sure that she just made that rule up by herslf, so I kept on pestering.

“Now sir, can you please put the card back in box. Here are your books and here is your receipt”. This time the tone was one that said, “you only have two options; 1. forget the scratch card, take your books and leave or 2. we will make sure that you do.”

Notes from Webster’s Bookstore Cafe

 

If you ever happen to visit State College, then add Websters Bookstore Café on your itienary. Why? Because I am saying so, isn’t that enough! On a slightly less serious note, if one day I become a very famous author, then you will know the caffeine source behind all those great writings. Café Mocha..Single..Whole Milk..thats my pick! Choose yours!

So after a year of shamelessly ignoring Websters Bookstore Café from my writings, I decided to devote a whole blog to my caffeine source of every day.

They always play this nice song, which seems to belong to every possible language on this earth. Today they played this track that can easily be used in a Hollywood horror flick. Especially in the scene when the ghost has killed everybody and then realizes that he is not a ghost but a man while all those he killed were actually ghosts.

If you drink tea, this place is like heaven but if you don’t, then the ordering counter seems like a well-planned conspiracy against coffee drinkers.

One of the Baristas is really cute and I have this itsy bitsy crush on her. She also makes best Café Mocha. I don’t know if cuteness quotient and mocha skill are both related.

Talking about bookstore, can somebody please tell me how many books has Joyce Carol Oates written? She seems to be all over the bookstore, in all the sections, in all the racks.

The Hillary Clinton lookalike, in an all Blue suit spent like hours browsing through the biography section and at the end did not pick even a single book. It seems that she was searching for biography of her servant’s dead grandfather’s German Shepherd. It does not concern me much but I had to crouch in my seat for full 15 min., so that she can easily search for the biography of her interest and then she killed my curiosity in the end by not picking up any book.

Having said all this, I must tell you, I really love this place.  The pleasure of sitting near books and Cafe Mocha….Two of the most amazing things…

Herrings Go About The Sea in Shawls

 

Single most amazing thing to have happened to me in last couple of days; stumbling on this book titled, ‘Herrings Go About The Sea in Shawls’. As the cover says, it is a compilation of howlers from classrooms and examination papers. Compiled by Alexender Abigdon and illustrated by Dr. Suess (yes, the Horton Hears a Who! Guy), this is one book that you just can’t  stop laughing while reading.

 

I have been reading it to everybody I meet in person, telling people while chatting on phone etc. Although I have still not finished it, I decided to include some of the howlers here, for you guys to enjoy. But its one of those books that you definitely want to buy next time you see it in a bookstore.

 

In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony.

 

Mandolins are high officials in China.

 

An interval in music is distance from one piano to the next.

 

Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and errors.

 

Celibacy was a unit of land in the Mohamedan system.

 

Achilles was the boy whose mother dipped him in the River Stinx until he was intolerable.

 

Norway’s capital is called Christianity.

 

People of India are divided into casts and outcasts.

 

China is called china because the first china was made there.

 

Gravity was discovered by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off.