Monthly Archives: September 2009

Unlikely Things to Hear On Indian Reality Shows

“Aye, main to kaam waali bai re! mere ko to khali ghar saaf karne ka bola!” (I am the house cleaning lady, and I was told to clean the house)

All our audience who are wondering why they are seeing only a blank screen today, here’s the answer; actually a robber broke into our house last nite and stole all our cameras.

“I am Pratibha Patil, and I am a witch doctor!”

“Okay, all the participants, we are going to leave five alligators in your bedroom tonite. All those who survive will face a vote out tomorrow.”

“Rakhi ji is going to marry you one by one, but you have to tell her one new story every night. If you run out of stories, she will kill you and marry next one.”

“For vote out today, we have Jaadu (from outer space), Krissh and Laloo Prasad Yadav”

“I am a psychic and I know I am going to win this show.”

“Shilpa, you cannot use race card every time.”

“This is Roadies Whiteout. This year we go to Antarctica and winner will get to drive back home on his Karizma Bike. Losers will be buried in snow for posterity.”

“Due to recession, there would be no vote-out today. We are just going to throw some of you out.”

“I am writer of this reality show. So everybody, listen…”

“TRPs are falling. So lets shed some clothes!”

“No Sashi, you can’t tweet everything that goes on in this house. Not even after using metaphorical language.”

“I used to be a cameraman on the amazing race, then I thought, why should I run behind participants holding a camera? I can be a participant myself!”

“Our house got foreclosure notice. Who the hell owns this place?”

Tagged ,

Unlikely Things to Hear on Ektaa Kapoor Serial

  1. He is dead and he won’t be back for sure this time.
  2. In the series finale….
  3. Narrator (in an Ajeet ‘Lion’ voice): (RECAP) Its very very simple…Komolika is trying to F$%k around with Tulsi by killing her husband, who just wouldn’t die, Mrinalini is helping Tulsi and also helping Komolika, and Mandira is not Mihir’s wife as popularly believed, Mihir is actually married to Komolika but Tulsi thinks  he is married to her…whatever, its all bullshit!
  4. For all of you who are wondering what happened to Komolika, here is an update: She suffered slip disk under the weight of her lehnga. We need a new actress now.
  5. Narrator: It is not real!! So STOP crying!
  6. Narrator: Here is an important message for all the ladies watching us right now, “STOP PLOTTING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER IN LAW”
  7. (Doctor to Tulsi): You are suffering from Schizophrenia, (turns to all her relatives standing next to her bed) and its time for you to leave the show.
  8. Issued in Public Interest.
  9. This week in Kyunkiiii-fill-in-whatever-hain, all characters take a class on ‘ poisons that can be easily added to milk without changing its color.’
  10.  Maa Saa! What did you do in park? There are Bajrang Dal people throwing stones at our house now.
  11. Tulsi: Oh! F$%k! You mean to say this is not big brother’s house. I want to leave now!
  12.  (All the characters in unison): Reality TV is kicking our ass. So from next episode, we are going to use more profanity, wear skimpy clothes, and do whatever we do now. 

 [Note: For quite some time now, I have been so inspired to do a Mock The Week India blog, but till that works out, lets remain satisfied with Unlikely things…]

Tagged , ,

About ‘Snakes in the Restroom’

Every now and then, while flipping/scrolling through daily news, there comes an article, which is so different from the usual horror stories of life. Here is one that I found recently:

Picture 3

This is how the article starts:

An Australian man will be putting his toilet seat down in the future after discovering a python almost twice his size curled up in the bowl.

I read this and I am like ‘wow!’. That’s exactly a kind of story I am looking for, among stories of murder, mayhem, war, and likes. –A python sitting calmly in the bowl of a restroom. Imagine, yourself going to restroom in the morning, half asleep, and there it is, a PYTHON, waiting for you. Scary, right? Now imagine your neighbor experiencing this. Funny!

Anyways, a snake wrangler was called and he had following comments to offer:

It’s not unusual to find snakes of that size in the tropics but you don’t find usually them in toilets

Really! Ow oh! this must be a particularly dirty fellow!An odd snake with lack of self respect. 

And this is what people said about the owner:

…the owner lives on a rural property where snakes are respected, so he left the python alone and used a different bathroom until it could be safely removed.

Hilarious! What would he have done, if he did not respect snakes – used the restroom with a python sitting in the bowl.

 According to the whole story and in words of the snake wrangler, this was the take home message:

Keep the toilet seat down and look before you sit!

Just cracked me up! Simply hilarious!

 I read this and realized World’s a much better place!

[Link to the news article]

In a Day…

…when i feel like I am suffering from African Sleeping Sickness, and I am dreaming of best ways to ferry entire population from earth to another ‘livable’ planet ( in case we find one), here are a few stories that I wanted to share [Source: Harper’s Magazine]:

1.

Police in Turkey rescued nine women from a villa where they had spent the last two months being made to fight each other, wear bikinis, and dance by a swimming pool for what they falsely believed was a reality-TV show.

My favorite bit in there – ‘made to fight each other’

2.

A man in Wales was sentenced to prison for murdering his partner after she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “single.”

And here I am, facebook-challenged, still fumbling at all the options on facebook homepage!

3.

After successfully praying for his release from a stuck elevator, a devout Catholic in Vienna went directly to church, where, giving thanks to God, he embraced an 860-pound altar, which fell over, killing him instantly.

Thats one godly way to say, “Stop pestering me! Press the emergency button or call the elevator guy next time!”

 

Good Trailer

Bad Trailer

No! You Moron…

…you are not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight. You can stay out till late.

…you cannot go on some job finder website and fill application forms to be the next Grim Reaper. It is not an advertised post kind of thing.

…Earth is not flat! You cannot walk over the edge, go over to the bottom side, hang there due to gravity and qualify to be called ‘Spiderman’. That’s not how it works.

…Earth is not flat!! You cannot stand at the edge, and play ‘Spitting into outer space’ competition.

 …Running inside a plane is not going to reduce/increase your flight time.

 …when I say ‘White chocolate Mocha’, it does not imply ‘ICED White Chocolate Mocha’.

 …Tom Cruise is not God!! And don’t ask me, ‘why not?’

 …the reason telephone booths are no longer used is not because too many superhero were changing clothes there.

 …you cannot jump out of a plane, and unbutton your shirt to make a temporary parachute.

 …we cannot cover the whole Pacific Ocean with ‘post-its’.

 …you cannot use watermelons in Hadron collider –not even for fun-sake.

 …inventing a machine that converts every creature into a 2D cartoon is not going to make more space for increasing population.

 …J.K. Rowling is not responsible for extinction of hippogriffs. They never existed!!!!

 …just because your parents named you ‘Neo’ does not mean this whole world is a $%^ing MATRIX and you are the ‘ONE’. By same logic your younger brother should have been a ‘tragedy’! 

 

[Note: This post is dedicated to all the morons who at some point have contributed to screwing up my life. Thanks!]