Dept. of Defense is Reading your Brain!

This is a kind of request that I would put to Department of Defense under Freedom of Information Act, if I am being my normal self, or am pretty sure that my buddy Matt may ask such a thing when is completely high. But here it is, a real request to Department of Defense, filed under the Freedom of Information Act;

All DoD records relating to the fact that my mind can be read and has been used by the US govt. since my birth.

[Source: Harper’s]

You know what DoD should have replied –

Yeah sure!  We did read your brain, and there was a [bleep] mess inside it, nothing besides pornography in there, you pervert!

Sorry we are kidding, we tried to, but could not find anything in your skull. You are so hollow, baby, you are so hollow!

Anyways, here was another interesting one:

I am currently looking for information on various ways the DoD packs their various boxes and envelopes. This is for science class. I would like to have pictures, as well, of the packing devices, e.g., a box, packing peanuts, etc. Also supply the weight of packaging equipment and dimensions of things packed.

[Source: Harper’s]

Here is an imaginary reply to the request:

Dear Sir/Madam

Thanks for asking such an interesting question. It is only due to our efforts to answer requests like these, that we are able to consume our budgetary allowance. Otherwise we would have lot surplus money here! Anyways, we are sending you the pictures of each and every thing that we have packed so far! (Actually we are sending you the whole hard disk full of photos. Password to hard disk would be sent in a separate mail.)

Our general method of packing peanuts is that we first pack each peanut individually in a bubble wrap, and then we put a couple of them in a cardboard box. After that the real fun begins, we embalm this boxes with ‘Egyptian mummy glue paste’ and then after sundrying them, they are enclosed in aluminum boxes. The aluminium boxes are then kept in lead containers so that peanuts remain safe from any radioactivity, and lead containers are in turn packed in 15 cm thick layered box of adamantium. All these boxes are actually protected by retina scan, saliva scan, thumb print scan, butt print scan, and a lot many other scan locks.

All these procedures are to be followed during times of peace. Due to security concerns, we cannot disclose our war-time packaging strategies.

I hope this helps, and kids in your class will learn as to how important peanuts are to our survival!

Cheers!

Yours truly

Weapon XVI

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7 thoughts on “Dept. of Defense is Reading your Brain!

  1. Kokonad says:

    Heh heh heh heh! I totally understand what you meant by saying – “I felt really good after writing this post!” 🙂 🙂
    LOL @ Adamantium, war-time packing strategies!

  2. Debleena says:

    Ha ha ha ha..:)
    “butt print scan “…ha ha ha ha ha :))
    I will let u know about the other strategies from here lol

  3. Ankur says:

    war time strategy…….store them in space….so it would be like…”space station 100 for peanut storage”…there will be no chance of infection also….

    well,better idea!!!! convert the mass into energy,,,,trannsport energy at some specific frequency,,,,intercept & convert energy into mass(courtesy: Albert einstein)

  4. sm says:

    lol
    good story

  5. Gaurav says:

    @koke
    admantium reminds me…why the hell is ironman, ironman and not admantium-man

    @Debbiee
    yeah….you are in a better position to explain the war time packing stratgies…but i am pretty sure its like top secret..i just leaked a part out of it! 🙂

    @Ankur
    mass>>energy>>mass is hilarious! 🙂

    @sm

    Thanks!

  6. Arvee says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard since, like, forever dude!!! I mean…BUTT PRINT scan…you’d think they have nothing else to do…

    Keep rocking…tc

  7. Gaurav says:

    @Arvee
    Thanks a lot for reading and commenting! 🙂

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