Monthly Archives: June 2009

Says I

This is the 10th time I am asking myself today, “What is wrong with this world?” and every time I get the same answer, “Its people.”

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“I always wanted to be a pilot but then I realized I have vertigo. Till this day I am looking for a vacancy posting for extremely low flying pilots.”

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“Can you even pat a Chihuava without killing it?”

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“Trickty trickty rikity boo,

Eternity fraternity says who

Not going good, phew!”

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“Do Amish people take fruit cake requests?”

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“The biggest mistake that humankind made was to divide the time into different days, and then unnecessarily relate some of these days with psychological happiness or sadness.”

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Food vs Sleep

had for lunch

This graph is based on a lot of assumptions and some other things that I can’t remeber the word for. Anyways, i would have explained all the things but i had Indian for lunch and i am ……ZZzzzzz (Snore Snore) (Kidding! I never snore.)

Target is on move…

Anybody who sees CSI-Miami, CSI-NY, CSI-Timbaktu, CSI-Moon, CSI-Mars, FBI, NCIS, CID (Indian one), SWAT, UID (Ugandan Investigation Dept. –ohhh, I love that one), or any other TV serial/movie about a group of astoundingly efficient detectives who behave as one big dysfunctional family, would be aware of this one particular scene, that is, when a detective in plain clothes (tuxedo on most occasions) is following a potential (almost sure) culprit, and he hushes, not in a microphone, not in phone receiver, no form of sound receiving device, but just that invisible thin air around his mouth, “Target is on move” and the whole investigative unit gets into action.

What is their problem, man! If the point is to remain under cover, then from a third person’s perspective, why would you start talking to yourself! Anybody and everybody notices the guy in party who is talking to himself. People think that even people with Bluetooth phone speakers are stupid! You don’t even have that!

Anyways, since I raised the question, I will provide a solution too; Why can’t we hire ventriloquists as special agents? I mean, you will still hear sounds but your agent remains undercover all throughout the party. Pretty neat. Isn’t it??

Tagged

Dragon and Toothbrush

dragonsHere is another of my pathetic attempts at cartooning and ‘slip on a banana peel’ humor/2nd grader humor/(maybe just utterly poor joke). Since i don’t trust my sketching abilities,  I have labeled the cartoon pretty heavily (as we used to do in high school biology exam) so that you can understand it. If not, read further for details (*Spoiler Alert*)

But just for smiles, imagine a dragon brushing his teeth in morning and then that untimely cough! Poof!

Whatever, no need to tell me that its a bad attempt. Look at the brighter side, dragon kinda looks cute. I am improving at drawing!

Normal humor programming will resume soon!

While I was away…

…from the world of technology and stuck in limited net access situation…

I tried to find out ‘what sort of liquor do fishes like’. End result; fishes in my roommates aquarium have gone crazy. Zebrafish have been continuously trying to do what I call ‘catch-your-own-tail’ dance and the goldfish has been bumping his head into the glass, trying to teleport out of there!

I tried to learn “how to draw cave paintings with natural colors”. My room looks like prehistoric site of archeological importance now, except that my Neanderthal man seems to be throwing a cigar at the running deer, instead of a spear.

I tried to find a new constellation so that I can name it after me. But it was a cloudy night! Alas!

And I tried to kill flies with an Obama like dexterity.

Oh! And I bought a new MacBook..wait…Its 13 inch, latest generation MacBook Pro with a 4 GB RAM. Yeah, Yeah! I am a show off! Big time show off!

Late Night and AMC (the TV channel)

(This post was written late last night. Okay, maybe not that late. Just that I was a bit too sleepy. Later today, I decided to post it without any corrections. So you might find  misspelled names and many other blunders. But thats a sleepy ‘ME’ for you guys!)

It seems to me now that Clint Eastwood has been chasing John Malkowich for last  three days. They have both probably travelled all the roofs in city of Washington, DC probably like 768 times. You know, that’s a hint for you guys; Don’t watch a slow movie late at night. It seems even slower. Car chases seem like snails racing with each other, every second guy seems like a sloth resting on a branch, and every…wait, why can’t they give Malkovich a jacket his size. Its so big that it seems Clint Eastwood is chasing a running tent. Ha ha ha..sorry PJ..but its funny! Just imagine it!

By the way, I am also wondering, whether AMC would have existed if Clint Eastwood did not!

Talking about Clint Eastwood, here is a interesting thing that happened the other day;

In middle of channel shuffling, my friend Mattie boy, who is totally drunk from this party, pauses at this particular movie channel, and says “Heyy, this John Cena movie is cool. Look at this, he is chasing somebody on a horse,…”

The movie seems very very old, from one of those eras when people forgot to remove dust from their camera lens, or maybe they just had too much dust around.

“It looks pretty old..and mattie its not John Cena its Clint Eastwood.”

“NOOOO IT IS John Cena. Check google. Oh wait…check IMDB”

I don’t know what’s with drunk people and internet. They always get the sites right.

URGENT Breaking News!

Picture 2

Wow! We have ‘URGENT’ Breaking News now!

In my opinion, A grandma having a meth lab is cool, funny, miscellaneous, ‘to-be-shared-at-watercooler’ news but not URGENT Breaking News! Its urgent to me,only if it was my grandma. But my grandma never does anything that interesting. A meth lab at her house..I am calling my grandma right now and sharing the idea.

Dept. of Defense is Reading your Brain!

This is a kind of request that I would put to Department of Defense under Freedom of Information Act, if I am being my normal self, or am pretty sure that my buddy Matt may ask such a thing when is completely high. But here it is, a real request to Department of Defense, filed under the Freedom of Information Act;

All DoD records relating to the fact that my mind can be read and has been used by the US govt. since my birth.

[Source: Harper’s]

You know what DoD should have replied –

Yeah sure!  We did read your brain, and there was a [bleep] mess inside it, nothing besides pornography in there, you pervert!

Sorry we are kidding, we tried to, but could not find anything in your skull. You are so hollow, baby, you are so hollow!

Anyways, here was another interesting one:

I am currently looking for information on various ways the DoD packs their various boxes and envelopes. This is for science class. I would like to have pictures, as well, of the packing devices, e.g., a box, packing peanuts, etc. Also supply the weight of packaging equipment and dimensions of things packed.

[Source: Harper’s]

Here is an imaginary reply to the request:

Dear Sir/Madam

Thanks for asking such an interesting question. It is only due to our efforts to answer requests like these, that we are able to consume our budgetary allowance. Otherwise we would have lot surplus money here! Anyways, we are sending you the pictures of each and every thing that we have packed so far! (Actually we are sending you the whole hard disk full of photos. Password to hard disk would be sent in a separate mail.)

Our general method of packing peanuts is that we first pack each peanut individually in a bubble wrap, and then we put a couple of them in a cardboard box. After that the real fun begins, we embalm this boxes with ‘Egyptian mummy glue paste’ and then after sundrying them, they are enclosed in aluminum boxes. The aluminium boxes are then kept in lead containers so that peanuts remain safe from any radioactivity, and lead containers are in turn packed in 15 cm thick layered box of adamantium. All these boxes are actually protected by retina scan, saliva scan, thumb print scan, butt print scan, and a lot many other scan locks.

All these procedures are to be followed during times of peace. Due to security concerns, we cannot disclose our war-time packaging strategies.

I hope this helps, and kids in your class will learn as to how important peanuts are to our survival!

Cheers!

Yours truly

Weapon XVI

Of Snakes and Herpetologists

[For most part this post may not make any sense. But thats what happens with me everytime I am thinking about snakes. It is some psychological anti-creativity snake toxin of sorts! I blank out at the time of writing, although I started off with lot of snake stories in my head!]

[Q & A]

“Are you from India?”

“Yeah. Yup. I mean yes!”

“Are there lot of snake charmers there?”

“Not anymore! Snakes ate them all. After all its always survival of the fittest.”

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[Conversation]

“Its such a bright and cheerful day outside! Why are we rotting in house? Lets go and play Frisbee”

“Noooooo!! I am watching TV”

“What are you watching?

“Snakes on the plane”

“What? That movie is rated like 3 out of 10!”

“No. Its probably 2 out of 10.”

“Why are you watching it then?”

“Because its 2 out of 10 kinda movie.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I love crappy movies. See, the guy just said that they could not detect snakes on thermal scans because they are cold blooded animals. That’s hilarious!”

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[Cartoon]

herpetologist(I know, its dumb! Lets call it my PJ of the day)

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[Quote]

“Somebody should (bleep) invent a time machine, and then (bleep) go back in time, and then (bleep) shoot that (bleep) snake in that (bleep) Adam-Eve story in its (bleep) head.

Oh wait! And then feed it to Adam and Eve! (bleep)”