Monthly Archives: May 2009

Of Dampners

Dear Sis,

Remember that girl I told you about…you know what, I think I might be in love with her…like you know every time she sends me a mail or something, I just can’t avoid reading it over and over again. I read them minimum like 5-10 times. Do you think I am going crazy over her…what do you think I should do?

Reply fast!

G

Re:

My dear young stupid brother,

Don’t do anything…just go and consult a doctor or something because you might be suffering from “short term memory loss” J and that’s why you have to read her mails over and over again……

And yeah, I don’t know which one of “the ones that you told me about” are we talking here.  Don’t forget you need to get me my special chocolate, so that I can keep my mouth shut in front of Mom and Dad.

Cheers!

K

Re:Re:

Sis!!!!!

Oh shut up! I mentioned only one…ok maybe two…but this is the one that I met at Barnes and Noble…..anyways, do you think its pretty normal that you can’t really focus on what somebody is saying really….like somebody is saying, you are just glad that they are speaking to you..words don’t matter!

G

Re: Re: Re:

Dear Bro,

Its normal only if you are suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder….still, as I said, don’t do anything stupid!

Cheers!

K

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(Wisdom) Tooth Witch!

Give me a stone, hammer, pliers right now, and I will pull out my own wisdom tooth. Had such a painful night yesterday. Woke up at 3.30 AM, and was searching for any painkillers in dark, then later after 5 min I realized that I can search after switching on lights too. So much for ‘Wisdom’ Tooth!

Anyways, had gone to a dentist a week back and I have finally concluded that along with a space ship cockpit,  a dentist’s waiting room is the most unnerving place. For some odd reason, my dentist takes pride in showing his waiting patients a glimpse of what is going to happen to them, through this big glass window between waiting room and what I would call ‘dental slaughterhouse’.  When my turn came, I was led in by this nurse and asked to lie down on this weird half-table-half-chair kinda thing. I followed the instructions, and waited, waited and waited…. –I even tried to break the bulb over my head with my telekinetic powers. Did not work. Anyways, doctor finally came, peeked inside my mouth, asked me to open my mouth to a size of shark in ‘Jaws III’ and then said, “We need to do an X-Ray”. Well, here is the thing, if you needed to take an X-ray anyways, why the hell, open my mouth so big that I dislocate the joints between my upper and lower jaw.

The X-Ray machine was seriously cool, except for the instant when it started and nurse ran out of room. Having watched so many movies where US govt is doing some weird experiments on normal people, I was thinking, “Dude, this is not an X-ray machine. If it was, why would she dash out like this. Its definitely something else, -I am going to land, naked, in some other century.”

A few minutes later, back on the weird chair, doctor showed me my X-ray, and starts telling me, “Here is the wisdom tooth that is causing you the problem….”

I stopped him midway, “That’s so cool. Can I use this X-Ray as cover of my book. Oh..and better still, do you have an X-Ray with some tooth missing…that would deliver the point better for book.”

“You can get a copy of only your X-ray but its going to cost extra and it is not covered by your insurance”, he says.

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Funny is how positive energy works…

I gently push the doorbell, the other side echoes with sounds of Chinese cymbals (if there is any such thing). A cute looking girl in her mid twenties opens the door, but more than her cuteness, it is the tall bamboo standing right in the doorway that is drawing all my attention. I mean, who keeps a 5 ½ ft bamboo right in middle of their main entrance. What is it –‘Home Alone’ of sorts, what next, a pool of colors hidden under a seemingly carelessly thrown newspaper, hidden paper pins in cushions. I am still calculating the dangers, when the girl explains, “Please excuse me for that, it is this Vastu thing for proper distribution of positive energy.”

“Pardon.”

“Yeah, Since we are only two members in this house, this splits the incoming positive energy, and directs it towards both of us.”

“And that’s Vastu

“Yeah! It really works. Earlier at any given time, only one of us used to remain happy. After working on this and a few other aspects, we have seen very positive changes in our professional and personal lives.”

By now, I am no way concerned about their personal or professional lives, I am busy developing a mental visualization of a human shaped light beam of positive energy (for some odd reason they are wearing Viking headgear in my imagination) rushing through this door and then hitting the bamboo, head-on, and then developing a bump on their Viking helmets. How in the heaven’s name do you come up with something called positive energy (one that travels) getting bisected by a bamboo .Had it been a cactus, I would have thought for a second, a venus fly trap, even better, its like if you want to capture positive energy, plant a venus fly-trap in center of your doorway.

Also, there are other issues like what if there are more than two members in the family, lets say parents and octuplets (heh heh!), how many  bamboos do you plant then, is there like upper limit, something on lines of ‘keep on planting till you get no oxygen in through the doorway’.

I squeeze in through the door way, although, in retrospect I think there was no need for me to squeeze, there was enough space, and I entered this meticulously decorated drawing room. But then in one corner, one of the several windows, is closed and sealed with a silver colored duck tape.

“Whats that?” I ask.

“To prevent positive energy from escaping!”, she says and smiles.

I smile back and imagine my tiny Vikings, with bumps in head, jumping out of another window.

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Brain Freeze!

12.59 AM: 10 minutes since I have been staring at blank screen…

1.06 AM: 17 minutes since I have been staring at an almost blank screen…

1.09 AM: Can’t think of anything to write!

1.13 AM: Coffee or Red Bull?

1.15 AM: Hot white chocolate Mocha it is!

1.16 AM: SHIT! #$%$! No milk!So, No coffee! To hell with Red Bull, too! Just plain H2O it is!

2.00 AM: Just deleted half a page of trashy stuff that made no sense at all.

2.07 AM: Should read something, will stimulate some ideas! New Yorker/Harper’s/David Sedaris?

2.23 AM: Article on misuse of cognitive enhancer drugs in colleges is too long…i think some of the kids in my TA class might have been on Addrell or Ritalin or whatever…always seemed under too much stress, poor kids.

2.26 AM: Feeling hungry

2.35 AM: Hash browns are the greatest thing on earth!

2.43 AM: Phaon was a mythical ferryman…, who hid among the lettuces… (reading Dictionary of mythology and religion)….lettuce! Ha ha…subway should be open 24 hrs.

2.XX AM(not sure!): Need to Pee!

3.03 AM: What the hell! A group of people, on road outside just disappeared, when I blinked…..I am hallucinating. Sleep deprivation. No, if I can analyze that I am hallucinating or not, then I am not hallucinating….whatever!

3.15 AM: Should go to sleep! Have a meeting tomorrow…Gudnite!

3.17 AM: Brush teeth. Pee or Not Pee?

3. 20 AM: Lights off!

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On Shoe Throwing and Uncle M.

George Bush

P. Chidambram

Manmohan Singh

L.K. Advani

oh wait…

my friend  Patroclus (name changed, obviously), who had a shoe thrown at him by a classmate girl. (really!)

Wow, the list is increasing…Protest and Disagreement have a new form of expression, and I cannot imagine anybody more happy than my uncle M. Having conceptualized this idea of ‘shoe-throwing as a path to political reform’ late when I was still a kid, I am pretty sure, uncle M would have been the first one to execute it on a big stage, had somebody put him in the big stage in first place, maybe with a journalism tag or something.

Any political rally on TV screen, and after every promise of reform by the political leader, M would say, “Chappal maro saale ko! Kuch nahin karega elect hone ke baad” [which kind of translates to ‘He is not gonna do anything after he gets elected, so hit my brother in law him with slippers’]. M’s idea of worn out, torn out shoes to a massive social reform was not limited to his political discontent. Back when Indian cricket team was playing really bad, his solution was not change the captain or coach, but instead, “Saale har ek ko 100-100 chappal maaro, and phir field pe utaro” [Hit each player with slippers 100 times and then send them to play on field].

I heard M repeat these statements everywhere in every possible scenario; If the movie is bad, shoes should be thrown at director/actor (not the actress, no way!), If there is a traffic jam, shoes should be thrown at the head of Police dept., If kid in the neighborhood was bitten by stray dog, shoes should be thrown at the dog and Maneka Gandhi. While watching the movie, he even thought that throwing shoes at King Kong was going to work.

[PS: While writing this post, I had assumed that he would be the happiest guy after all this shoe throwing thing catching up big times in protest circles, but while talking to my cousin (M’s son), I came to know his reaction on the famous/infamous Iraqi journlist Muntather Zaidi, and here is the twister in tale, he said, “Saale ko chappal maro! Amerikkan rashtrapati pe joota penkh raha hain!” (Hit him(Zaidi) with slippers, (how dare) he  is throwing shoes at American President)]