Monthly Archives: January 2009

2012 Apocalypse: Role of Vermiform Appendix

 

God procrastinates too! You know, how I know this? Because the apocalypse that was last supposed to happen in Year 2000 is now going to take place on December 21, 2012. According to a recent CNN report, there are people who believe that on December 21, 2012, when the 5126-year old cycle of Mayan calendar ends, God will go clueless as to how can he manage this planet without a calendar, and in a fit of frustration induced rage, destroy this whole earth.

            I don’t know how a cyclic calendar works but I am pretty sure we have better quality calendars nowadays, and God is intelligent enough to move to better, easier to read calendars. God is smarter than what you think. As a creationism savant would say, if looking at mirror raises any doubts about God’s smartness, look at other things he has made. (My version is, “WTH!! But still, if you want to know God’s smartness, tell me his cranial capacity”)

            But if you are one of those who believe that world is indeed going to end on December 21, 2012, I have a good news for you; some Mayan scholars believe the cycle ends on December 23, 2012. WOW!! Two more days to do Christmas shopping!! Yippee!! Oh! No Christmas that year!! SANTA!! PUHlease do something! And don’t forget to buy those official apocalypse T-shirts. YES, OFFICIAL T-shirts that say ,’2012 The End’. It’s a last stand effort to survive, so that when apocalypse arrives in any form it is welcomed by a crowd of people wearing similar T-shirts, reminding it that it is indeed 2012, and its time for end, and we are grateful to it! Maybe, the apocalypse will return back seeing us so happy about the whole thing.

            Regarding the form in which apocalypse is going to happen, there may be many theories ranging from great fire to great flood, but I have my own theories;

1)   Appendix, otherwise thought to be a vestigial organ of human beings will start enlarging and after blowing out the internal organs will envelop us all, and everybody’s enlarged appendix will then coalesce with each other forming one big galactic mass.

2)   Credit crunch will continue, economies will keep on going down, and lack of Christmas gifts will make people miserable, and people will kill each other.

3)   A slightly different version of last theory can be, Obama will fail to deliver on the promise of Hope and then all hopeless people will kill each other.

A Doctor for Everything

 

Action star (lets say James Bond or one of his brothers) wakes up in room with flawless green and white draping. The only red exists as a small round spot in the otherwise white netted bandage on his forehead. And is if only purpose of this conversation is to deride a normal researcher, here is the conversation that ensues.

 

JB (trying to pull out a gun from his hospital uniform): Where am I? Who are you? Why am I here?

Doctor: Hello James! Calm down! I am Dr. Oglivyscteninet. (James never understands the name but it sounds like word Omniscient). You were shot 123 times by some extremists belonging to a country called Aslo, while you were in mission to get information about another extremist group in a small town of Chapalistan. I was able to take out 121 bullets out.

JB: How do you know about my mission? And did you say 121? 121 out of 123?

Doctor: While you were asleep, I ran your brain scans through a memory recreator, and thus could get the imprints of all the information in your brain. Once I had recreated the faces of all your assailants, I ran then through a facial skin pattern recognition software and matched it to 4 people belonging to same clan in Aslo. With all due modesty, I can say both memory recreator and facial skin pattern recognization software are two of my amazing inventions.

            Regarding 121 bullets out of 123, yeah, 1 bullet actually just passed straight through your body making a big gaping hole. I filled that hole with my own discovery, a tissue simulating seaweed. Regarding the other one that was struck in your brain and too risky to take out, I have designed an electromagnetic sytems with a magnets spread all across this earth. So no matter wherever you go in this world, the magnet change their strength accordingly and your bullet remains at the same position in your brain. No need to worry!

JB: What are you doctor? Is all this real or am I being punke’d by that Kutcher guy?

Doctor: Oh! Its all real! It indeed is! But its perfectly natural for you to believe that a genius like me can’t exist. But I am real. Its just due to my eclectic tastes that I am a MD in more than a couple fields of medicine.

JB: Oh well! That’s great! But can you arrange for my return trip to my majesty’s service?

Doctor: Sure! Sure! I already arranged for it. You see, I don’t like company of outside world for too long. So I already built a car for you, so that, no offence meant, but you can leave as soon as you wake up.

            The car is fitted with all modern day weaponry and besides  has a self defense mechanism that starts digging a bunker and hide underground in case of holocaust. You see my eclectic tastes spill over to mechanical design, arms and ammunitions too.

JB: Wow! But don’t tell me that it can fly too!

Doctor: Of course it can! All flysters designed by me come fitted with a normal flying and space launch modes.

JB: Sir, you are truly a genius. Can I have a pair of tuxedos, so that I can leave.

Doctor: Oh! No! I have designed a special suit for you out of liquefied platinum mixed with a carbon nanotube coating underneath. It should evade any 123 shot occurrences later in your life.

JB: Wow! Wht are you, doctor? You are a medical doctor, you can make cars that fly, design bombs, make amazing suits of whatever amazing stuff that you mix up. How come you are still one of us?

Doctor: No No! Here you are mistaken! This is not real me! Its just a part of me in a body suit. The real me is right now 125 light years away, helping people at planet Qyusheeba, devising a plan for their survival from water rains that is corroding the unprotected skulls of those people.

JB: I know for sure now, either I had a blow on head or I am definitely being punke’d.

Air-hostess and Me

 

I nearly killed the airhostess while trying to put my luggage in the overhead space. Not really! I mean, my carry on bag just fell from a good enough height so very close to her that while falling, the bag might have gathered some of her makeup in its trajectory of fall. And for a second, she was so startled, and kept on looking at me with revengeful eyes later. I thought they were revengeful!

 

Although she gave me this very professional smile a minute later after I had apologized duly and made myself very clear that it was totally unintentional, and I was in no way sent by her former boyfriend or her employer airline company to kill her. Love-turned hate and layoffs were totally off my list. I swear.

“Am so sorry! It was totally unintentional”

“Its fine! It happens”, she said, assuming a tone that sounded as if it’s a very daily thing and part of their training is to dodge baggage thrown at them by hostile passengers like me.

 

Anyways I was pretty sure that I was not going to get any food or drinks on this 15 hour long flight. I had just violated at least one of the ‘Ten Commandments of An International Flight’. But after a very smooth takeoff, like really smooth, the kind that actually makes you doubt whether you are actually in sky or still on land, she came and started asking for drinks. I smiled excessively and said, “Orange juice!”

“Did you say Orange juice, Sir? She asked in a manner that meant to me, “How can a heartless killer like you drink Orange Juice? You should be the one asking for some blood substitute, and on the very least some bloody red wine!”

“Here it is, (pause), Sir”, she said while handing over Orange juice in a plastic transparent glass. She is going to drop it on me! She is going to drop it any minute. I know! I know! No it landed safely on the tray in front of me.

 

I so much wanted to exchange my glass of orange juice with the guy sitting next to me. I mean, I had a very good reason to do so; What if she poisoned my orange juice. It’s a crazy crazy world, full of psycho people. You never know. Why take chances! But then I looked the guy next to me, he was so tall that he could stand up in plane and touch the moon. If I do anything to his drink, then it would surely mean a sudden death by strangulation, and that too with just one hand of his. I chose slow death by poisoning!

 

First sip did taste weird! But then orange juice is something that tastes different everywhere in world. I waited for my throat to choke but it never did. Okay, safe so far! I don’t know for how long though.

Inside Out

What is this place? Does not look like any of those terrains that they show in National Geographic? Maybe somewhere in Morocco but its all crumpled; It looks like somebody just folded a big piece of paper and threw it out in blank space. Its totally dark in here.

“Helloooo!!! Can somebody switch on the lights or something?”

Some sorts of light appear. That’s better!

“Where am I?”

“Why are these people doing rock climbing? What are they doing? I think I know some of them? What?! Somebody just disappeared in one of the crevices. Oh! The sky just lit up with something. It is playing some sort of movie. It is my movie, I mean, the movie has me. What is this place?”

 

There are sparks coming out from ground now. The sky has gone blank again. Its dark again. I should not be here! It is a really bad place to be in! Very hostile it seems. It looks prehistoric and seems a very competitive environment to fight for your own survival.

 

“How did I land here in first place?”

“I don’t know. Hold on. I know! There was this tunnel, yup Alice in wonderland type, no not really, more of like inside of an internet cable. What was before the tunnel? Its hazy…can’t remember…it was outside!

 

Shit! Its me, my brain!

 

TOO MUCH SLEEP BUDDY! I AM GOING CRAZY! I am definitely going crazy. The very moment you see people doing rock climbing on your brain, it is clear sign that you are so close to being inside a sanatorium. Oh shit! They were climbing on my brain! It hurts now! Last night I saw myself talking to Newton. Yup! Isaac Newton, not my dad’s friend’s son’s uncle’s brother in law. Issac Newton. You know what happened? Anyways, how would you know, it happened inside my brain and you are no mind readers. Okay, most of you are not!  Anyways, I walked upto him and said, “Apple, really! Com’on..tell the truth.”

Tagged

India Diaries V: Nostalgia

Somewhere under these layers of concrete lie footprints of a younger me, trying to bowl a yorker to the batsmen in front. Somewhere in this big multi-storied building lie remains of the Neem tree, in whose branches a younger me used to sit for hours.

 

I may bicker about everything from the crowds, spitters,…,to bus rides, but somewhere in all these things lies a part of me. Somewhere in there, it is ME!

India Diaries IV: Spitters, Ringtones and Bus Ride

 

Spitters vs. Non-Spitters

Whats up with people spitting on roads or as a matter of fact, at any random place or object that cannot fire the spit back at people. Last evening, while standing at bus stop, I counted that there are more spitters in Delhi than non-spitters. So my friend, if you are a non-swimmer and a non-spitter, then you are in grave danger and you can’t do much to avoid it.

Polyphonic/Musical ringtones

Polyphonic ringtones or Musical Ringtones at really high volume should be a crime. Yesterday I was in this Metro train and this guy’s ringtone almost caused a derailment with excessive sound waves generated from his ringtone. To make matters worse, most people with such ringtones never pick up their phone in two rings, even if they are holding the phone in their hands when it rang. I don’t know why they think that they are doing public a social service by making them listen songs like Achha Sila Diya tune and Tum to thehre pardesi everytime  their phone rings.

Bus Rides

If someone ever asked me what is Delhi equivalent of Roman Amphitheatres, then I would say it has to be the Delhi buses. First of all, even boarding a bus is a battle in itself and if somehow you win your first battle, then at any given second in bus there are like 10 people hanging from each arm of yours. And after enduring countless number of emotional, physical, mental traumas, if you do manage to get down in any proximity to the right bus stop, there is a very good chance that your wallet lost more than the amount of ticket and in some cases the wallet itself. Everytime, I am being pushed around in bus by unknown number of hands, I wish my mother had dipped me in Styx. You need to be demi-god or something to come out of such a bus ride with your spirits and body soaring high.