Monthly Archives: December 2008

2008: Not a Heartbreaking Rant of Staggering Stupid

 

Frankly, I had expected a bit more emotions on last day of year but it seems I am going Numb (like really movie style with depersonalization disorder and all) and frankly (it seems numbness brings out frankness and lack of vocabulary in you) I have no idea what I am going to write in this post.

 

Ok lets see, lets talk about 2008…things I learnt in 2008..i know you don’t care to know, but then I don’t care if you care or not, I am going to write anyways.

1. Anything that makes sense is going to ruin you in the end. Now, this statement does not make any sense, so rest assured you are safe!

2. There is an ever increasing population that thinks I am stupid, retarded, @#$#@, and couple of them, who have some extra teeth have the guts to ask me, “Are you, Really?”. My reply, “Look at the odds!”

3. Those candies with nice cute messages on their wrappers are a big conspiracy to make your life wretched! Really, no doubts about this one. Learnt it hard way in 2008!

4. You never stop waiting for some things to happen. I am still waiting for my Mom to gift me  that silver colored suit, that Mithun Da wore in Disco Dancer.

5. I was born with just one gift (I acquired X-Ray vision etc in an accident) ; “I can make people smile!” and I can never be too thankful to God for that gift.

 

Things I lost in 2008: I don’t want to talk about it. It leaves me in ashes and although Phoenix can rise from Ashes, the feather color fades. Don’t think too seriously about it. Understanding this statement is in no way going to affect the rate of earth’s motion, the power and water supply, gas prices, _________ (you can fill in one more thing on your own). Everything else is just not that important. 

Things I found in 2008: I don’t want to tell you! You don’t care to know! I don’t care if you know! So, what is the whole point in knowing anyways?

Any achievements in 2008

Yeah, I built a Introdermtuntitreistuntitris Gun, and it can hollow out everybody’s brain and fill it with Lemon custard cake. Quite an achievement! Isn’t it?

India Diaries III: The Bookstore

More people to help you than required

At any given time there were at least two sales-people following me in each aisle of the bookstore, and had no shame on their poor detective skills as it was clear that they were keeping an eye on me. Now, when something like this happens, it gives you a feeling that you have ‘Shoplifter’ written over your forehead in bold font.  And as if just following was not enough, every 30 sec, somebody would stop by and say, “Sir, Can I help you?”

“No thanks”. Now what makes them think that I need help every 30 sec. I am in a bookstore, not like in a pit of fire, kitchen or a Maths class.

“Sir, Can I help you?”

10th time when somebody asked me, I curbed my instincts to say, “yeah, can you leave me alone?” as that would have made the ‘shoplifter’ sign on my forehead a flashing red in bold, so I said, “Yeah, Do you have any books by David Sedaris”

The guy did not even look for a second and said, “NO!”

“Ok, do you have ‘Being Followed Endlessly’ by G.O. Nectar?”

This time he went looking and came back and said, “No Sir!” and exactly 42 seconds later there was this guy who came back and asked, “Sir, Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah sure! Your aisles are too long, Can I have a camel cart to travel through your shop!”

“No thanks”

Scratch cards are not meant to be scratched

The brightly colored box said on top “Pick up a card and scratch to win 10, 20 or 50% back on your purchase”. So obviously we picked up a card and started searching our pockets for a coin to scratch the card, but just then the women at the counter said, “Sir, please keep it back in the box” in a tone that was a mix of authority and request and would have suited a statement like, “Sir, the mummies are going to eat us all if you don’t keep the card back, and you will be the one to blame for death of us all.”

“Why?”, asked a slightly puzzled me.

“Sir, they are limited in number”

“What do you mean by limited in number? If I am buying something, I can pick one up. Right?”. Limited in number as if they are saving it for the holocaust and one day we are going to survive by eating these discount cards.

Given my luck, It is not that I expected anything more than ‘Try again’ or ‘Rs. 1 off on your next purchase of 1 lakh or more’ but still I kept on haggling for an opportunity to scratch one card.

“No Sir, it is only on purchase of 1000 Rs or more! You have only bought stuff for 454 Rs. only and you have already got a discount on that.” She replied.

“But the box does not say anything like that”. I was pretty sure that she just made that rule up by herslf, so I kept on pestering.

“Now sir, can you please put the card back in box. Here are your books and here is your receipt”. This time the tone was one that said, “you only have two options; 1. forget the scratch card, take your books and leave or 2. we will make sure that you do.”

India Diaries II

 

The adventure continues. An important piece of advice; never bring your WHITE Macbook to India (just to be politically correct, lets say Delhi in particular). Thanks to the construction work of Delhi Metro and a flyover, my house gets more dust per day than entire annual rainfall in Kalahari. Statue of a retired army Maj. General in Town Square is under such a thick layer of dust that it looks like one of those Easter Island ones now.

 

Took a ride in Haryana Roadways bus and the same old question from my childhood days came back to haunt me; How the hell do these buses even move an inch without falling apart? As soon as driver moved to 1st gear, I was pretty sure that next second my unhinged seat will be flying out all alone and land in a debris with all other seats lying around me on road, but still they somehow manage to get it to run across the length and breadth of whole Haryana state. I also travelled in this video coach bus and they were playing this crappy old B-grade movie flick starring some out of work A-grade actors. Then there was this drunkard who wanted to pee, so the driver had to stop in the middle of nowhere.

 

Shuffling channels on TV is fun. Every alternate channel is a news channel and in between news channels and soap operas, there are movie trailers. Oh! By the way, I found this trailer of Dev.D particulary interesting. Starring Abhay Deol, this movie is based on Devdas but I am pretty sure that it is going to be interesting take n Devdas. Specially with a song titled Emotional Atyachaar, and a band named Patna ke Preselys, this is one movie, I am looking forward to.

India Diaries -I

 

I am jetlagged! Totally! If you are talking to me in daytime, chances are that I am thinking that you are part of my dream. And in night, when I am awake, I am pretty much doing nothing, just thinking of how to make contact with alien race. Anyways, whenever I am not sleeping in the daytime, I am trying and avoiding death at the hands of cyclewallahs, rickshawwallahs, buswallahs, anything-on-the-road-wallahs. Yesterday at least 34 bicycle ridden assasins tried to kill me, and that too in a span of 10 minutes till I reached bus stop. After that the bus driver took over.

 

All this while I was trying to prevent these two people from falling out of the bus, I was thinking about these lines from Sunscreen song by Baz Luhrmann, “Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.”  I was wondering if New York can be replaced with New Delhi and Northern California with Happy Valley in my case.

 

Oh! And did I tell you I was on same flight as Dr. Amartya Sen. Really! Although I thought that he was Amartya Sen intially but after my own face matching analysis I rejected the notion. But yesterday after reading newspaper, I realized that it was infact him. Another interesting thing happened in the flight, this old couple from Punjab sitting next to me, after getting all information about me, popped up the question about a potential arranged marriage match. I am still undecided as to whether I should see this as a sign of things to come in near future, or as a random question born out of a long flight on old minds. Whatever!

 

The non-stop flight to India was nice, except that the uncle ji sitting next to me kept on talking in some accent, of which I only understood, “ohji ollihji ollo olli khar khar khar” and girl sitting behind me kept on shouting that the engines are going to freeze midway. Stupid Girl! Due to her I could not imagine anything but a 30,000 ft skydive on my 14 hour long flight.

 

That’s almost everything so far! Will be back as soon as I can manage the telecom companies to repair the net connection at my home or else my next post will be from a telephone wire pillar.

Chinatown Bus Ride to NYC

 

“What? Its not even a bus, it’s a van!”

 

“Where am I gonna sit?”

“Yes” “Yes”

“NO! I said, WHERE AM I GOING TO SITT, as in sit down!!”

“There! There two big bags, only one man, you sit!”

ZZzzzzzzzz

“DFFYH gynhHHH tuuuuu”

“What?! Am sorry!”

“Stop! 10 min!”

“Okay”

(person sitting next to me sees a Tacobell)

“Damn!”

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Ouch! Ouch! What! Ouch! The! Ouch! Hell! Ouch!

(Bilboard as we enter Newark)

FBI…Miss Abaixyz xyz….Manslaughter…FBI logo

ZZZZzzzzzzzz

“Yipee!!! NYC!!

 

(Next Post: India Diaries!)

Whales ate all the IPODs

Last week I had this amazing short chat session with a friend of mine. I did not want to reveal her identity so changed her name but then I thought that everybody would expect changed name, so I did not change it at all, I just changed the order of alphabets so that it looks changed but it still sounds like her name.I also changed each alphabet of her name into a particular numeral and then after adding and subtracting two from each numeral, i changed the number back into her name.  Confused! Mission successful. Anyways here is the chat trascript.

Aditi Gupta’s Status Message: If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

Me: Tomatoes are blue because cockroaches have titanium in their blood!

AG: that is a good observation but i think that titanium will not only raise the standards of living but also account for Mars being second best in athletic revolutions from north pole

 Me: but then you are ignoring the fact that chacha choudhary ka dimaag computer se tej chalta hain and Pluto was married to Mars before Jupiter eloped with Saturn’s ring

 AG: these things are all hypothetical given the origin of bubble gum

 Me: and lady in the Styx thought that Pegasus was a chameleon

Deserts ate human and then burped water.

Whales ate all the IPODs

AG: again u r ignoring the basic funda of metamorphosis here

 Me: and Mozart fell off stairs.

 AG: that candles weigh lighter when a movie is released on Friday

 Me: Sting stung a stingray using his beak

Kangaroos folded themselves into their pouch before eating skull of a Dodo shell.

Among all this greatest miracle happened; Sarah Palin was born human.

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I think I was born Ready!! But…

 

I was born ready!!!..MOM!!!! Where is my shirt…Where are my All star shoes…I can’t find socks now, where did you keep them, I had been wearing them for last two weeks…where are they…Where is my pen..no, not this one..my parker one! Where are you?

 

Beta saamne to pada hain! Ankhen khol ke dekh!

 

Haan mil gaya!

 

Ah! I was born ready!

 

Things never change! I am scientist in my other life! (Hard to believe, I know) and tomorrow I have my comprehensive exam! And…

 

I think I am ready!

 

All the best to me!

Ode to Ole’ Jeep!

 

“Do you like it?”

“Yes, I do. “, I had replied without taking my eyes off from that small rusted scratch in otherwise perfect white painted body of yours. “I do” from my side and there we were, you and me, till very last week when that hearltless monster, Frank ‘the plumber’, decided to end our dreams of togetherness in his DUD (Driving under Daydream). You were hit pretty bad and a week later those Dr. Insurance Agents said, “It is going to be over! You car would be totaled and you would get money worth its present day value”

 Present day value, what are they talking about? Nobody can calculate your value in dollars, or any other currency as a matter of fact. Somebody rightly said those doctors of Insurance schools, only know how to rip parts off and join them back. To the matters of love of soul and love, they are blind!

 How can I forget our holidays on ice, your roars off-track, the day when you made me proud of your AWD by cruising through that icy incline where so many minnow sedans had got struck. How you stood by me always, even in times when the gas tank beeped low and nearest gas station was 20 miles away and I reciprocated the favor when the gas prices touched $4/gallon and the whole world was after you and your cousins. Heartless world blaming you for drinking gas directly of earth’s stomach and forgetting about all the mattresses & tables you transferred from one place to another. How with a brain of your own, you had switched off the AC completely to save environment. Wow! true ingenuity and altruism!

 Maybe you being are ripped away for salvaging parts in some remote corner of Texas right now and I am unable to do anything but just wanted to let you know that those words will always be my answer, “I do.”

 

“My dear ole’ jeep, how I had always merrily wished,

that you would be parked just next to my grave.

Dreams break, here I am signing papers of your totalin’ “

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Scribbles from Last Week [Week 48, 2008]

 

[Conversation]

“That’s fine, she missed out on the most creative, most funny and the most romantic vooing ever!”

“Awww!!!”

 *****

 [Quote]

 “I have still not ruled out the possibility that I am an alien race.”

 *****

[Conversation]

 “You are too nice”

“But nice is good!”

“No, it is not! It is just nice!”

“Damn!”

 *****

[Quote]

 “Either this Life is going to kill me or I am going to finish it off. In both cases, I win.  But let us enjoy SoBe Life Water for the time being.”

 *****

[Disclaimer]

Reading back this whole post looks like that it was a result on many manic depressive people under the effect of hallucinating agents. But there is another explanation; its winter and its so boring!

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