Monthly Archives: October 2008

Dear Androids and Gynoids!

 

Its 8.48 PM, I have already slept for two straight hours and I had a coffee before I went for sleep, but still I am feeling so very sleepy! It seems that I have been drugged..yeah, like in movies where you wake up when you are not supposed to, and you see everything hazy at first, but things become clear when doctor/female lead walks in…whatever!!

 

This unabated, insatiable somnolence makes me wonder; what makes us so sure that we are not high quality androids (do  they have a female gynoid or are they also called androids?), running on battery or fuel cell or some weird energy source. Maybe its time to change my battery pack..maybe!

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Scribbles from Last Week [Week 43, 2008]

[Conversation]

“I used to be an Australian spy.”

“Com’on! There is no such thing!”

*****

[Conversation]

“Oh! Sarah Palin is coming to campus! I want to go!”

“Yeah! me and my roommate are dressing up us pregnant teenage girls!”

“For Halloween?”

“No! when Palin comes!”

*****

[Quote]

“What if you could feel the pain in air?”

******

[Conversation]

Guy 1: You know, you are so alone man…you need somebody! You need Jesus, man!

Guy2: I am Jewish!

Guy1: So you need Moses, man!

Guy2: It’s ok..they are all same. I mean, nobody has seen him. He might be the guy in beard playing guitar hero.

Guy1: Oh so you mean that they are all same..just Christains see him as Jesus, Jews see him as Moses, Muslims see him as Muhammad, and scientologist see him as …(pause)….Tom Cruise! Ha ha ha!

Guy2: Damn you, Tom Cruise! Ha ha ha!

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Gilchrist should have kissed Rakhi Sawant and …

 

If Gilchrist wanted people to buy his book and then read it, I think he should have kissed Rakhi Sawant, or endorsed Raj Thackeray, or said that he was schizophrenic (with his wicketkeeper and batsman personalities separate) and then devoted a chapter to the incident. But if he wanted people to buy his book and then burn it on streets, then in that case calling Sachin a ‘Bad Sport’ or ‘Sore Loser’ is a nice move too!

 

Though Gilchrist today said that he was misrepresented by media and for the time being, I will chose Gilchrist over present-day-24 X 7-ranting-gone crazy-no ethics-ready-to-publish-anything news channels. Anyways he said that he is going to explain his stand in his column over the weekend. Skeptics might find it as cheap publicity stunt for promoting the column!

 

Anyways, I do believe in freedom of expression and freedom to form opinions. I am also a believer that Sachin is not God (so many scores in nineties! I mean com’on God would love to get 100s). But among all this conundrum of gilCHRIST vs SACHin, I think unavailability for a handshake in dressing room (that’s after on-field after-game hand shake) does not really mean you are a sore loser. I mean, com’on, you have played for five days, you do need to take shower. You can’t just wait for other team to walk into your dressing room and shake hands. (lame excuse! Really lame! I know!)

 

Regarding Monkeygate Scandal, firstly I hate to call every scandal _________gate scandal, secondly I highly doubt that a Sardar Indian player would call somebody a ‘monkey’ when his temper is sky high! According to a survey, swearing in native tongue is far more calming than using a phoren language. (Don’t ask me the source of data, I conducted the survey today only with 5 of my friends!). So if Sachin said he did not hear anything on field and than told truth in testimony (which Gilchrist will have no idea as it was a closed door hearing),  and stood by his teammate, then in my opinion this does not count as Bad Sport. If that’s Bad sport, then  what do you call, every false appeal where Gilly abetted Ricky Ponting, and every sledging incident where he supported McGrath.

 

I have high respect for both Sachin and Gilchrist, and I just hope that media turns out to be sinner in this whole incident. 

And I am very sorry for the cheap, incorrect, publicity seeking title to this post.

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‘Who’s on First?’ by Abbot and Costello

I don’t know if I have ever told you, but one of my dreams is to work at a good sketch comedy show’s writer’s room. What am I doing to achieve that dream? Well..ehmm..nothing! besides watching ‘Studio 60 on…’ again and again, nothing!

Anyways, while reading about history of sketch Comedy, I found this video of ‘Who’s on First’. Performed by Abbot and Costello, this sketch was adjudged the Best Sketch of 20th Century.  The concept has been repeated so many times in many different movies and sketches but the classic still retains its charm. 

Pangea would have been so boring!

Pangea n. A hypothetical supercontinent that included all the landmasses of the earth before the Triassic Period. When continental drift began, Pangaea broke up into Laurasia and Gondwanaland.

 

Imagine that tectonic plates would not have moved and we would still would  have been living on a present day Pangea. Would it be amazing? Would it be interesting? I think it would have been very boring, because;

 

1.     Long Island would not have been there. I mean it would have been there but without beaches and beach-houses.

2.     Some people in middle of Pangea would have had to travel thousands of miles to see sea.

3.     No Suez Canal or Panama Canal!

4.     Most countries would not have Navy.

5.     India would have been closer to Antarctica. Growing up near Penguins is the only interesting prospect of Pangea to me.

6.     The globe would look so weird; all landmass on one face of earth and other face full of water. Imagine if aliens landed on the water side of earth! They would have been disappointed.

7.     Columbus, Vasco da Gama, Marco Polo would not have needed ships! On the same lines, probably Pirates would not have been that famous.

8.     There would have been more wars on land issues.

9.     Some religious cult would have been preaching that there are two worlds; Land and Water and after death people move into water world. And Tom Cruise would have been promoting that religion.

Scribbles from Last Week [Week 42, 2008]

[Thought]

 On the lines of gas stations, will one day we have calorie stations, with actual calorie delivery pumps?

[Conversation]

“You know where was Polo discovered?”

“Don’t know but I know that Marco Polo discovered it” (Can’t believe I said this)

[Quotes]

Look at Greene’s; Maurice Greene, Graham Greene, Eva Green; Nice family!!

 

Lets gold plate the pyramids!

[Conversation]

Kid1: Momma! Are we home yet?

Mom: No ! We just took one turn! I told ya, after two turns!

Kid2: No Momma, we took two turns!

Mom: No honey! One was slight left.

Kid2: So we don’t count left turns.

Mom: Ya!

Kid1: Are we home yet?

Kid2: Can I say ‘Bye’ to bus?

Mom: No No! we are not home yet and you cannot say ‘Bye’ to bus now.

Kid1: When are we going to be home?

Mom: After two turns!!

Kid2: After two right turns. No left turns.

Kid1 : Can I ask driver to take a turn now?

Mom: Sit quiet!!

Kid1: Are we home yet?

Mom: Yeah! we are home.

Kid2: Bye Bus!

Mom: No honey, get off bus first!

Notes from Webster’s Bookstore Cafe

 

If you ever happen to visit State College, then add Websters Bookstore Café on your itienary. Why? Because I am saying so, isn’t that enough! On a slightly less serious note, if one day I become a very famous author, then you will know the caffeine source behind all those great writings. Café Mocha..Single..Whole Milk..thats my pick! Choose yours!

So after a year of shamelessly ignoring Websters Bookstore Café from my writings, I decided to devote a whole blog to my caffeine source of every day.

They always play this nice song, which seems to belong to every possible language on this earth. Today they played this track that can easily be used in a Hollywood horror flick. Especially in the scene when the ghost has killed everybody and then realizes that he is not a ghost but a man while all those he killed were actually ghosts.

If you drink tea, this place is like heaven but if you don’t, then the ordering counter seems like a well-planned conspiracy against coffee drinkers.

One of the Baristas is really cute and I have this itsy bitsy crush on her. She also makes best Café Mocha. I don’t know if cuteness quotient and mocha skill are both related.

Talking about bookstore, can somebody please tell me how many books has Joyce Carol Oates written? She seems to be all over the bookstore, in all the sections, in all the racks.

The Hillary Clinton lookalike, in an all Blue suit spent like hours browsing through the biography section and at the end did not pick even a single book. It seems that she was searching for biography of her servant’s dead grandfather’s German Shepherd. It does not concern me much but I had to crouch in my seat for full 15 min., so that she can easily search for the biography of her interest and then she killed my curiosity in the end by not picking up any book.

Having said all this, I must tell you, I really love this place.  The pleasure of sitting near books and Cafe Mocha….Two of the most amazing things…

Herrings Go About The Sea in Shawls

 

Single most amazing thing to have happened to me in last couple of days; stumbling on this book titled, ‘Herrings Go About The Sea in Shawls’. As the cover says, it is a compilation of howlers from classrooms and examination papers. Compiled by Alexender Abigdon and illustrated by Dr. Suess (yes, the Horton Hears a Who! Guy), this is one book that you just can’t  stop laughing while reading.

 

I have been reading it to everybody I meet in person, telling people while chatting on phone etc. Although I have still not finished it, I decided to include some of the howlers here, for you guys to enjoy. But its one of those books that you definitely want to buy next time you see it in a bookstore.

 

In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony.

 

Mandolins are high officials in China.

 

An interval in music is distance from one piano to the next.

 

Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and errors.

 

Celibacy was a unit of land in the Mohamedan system.

 

Achilles was the boy whose mother dipped him in the River Stinx until he was intolerable.

 

Norway’s capital is called Christianity.

 

People of India are divided into casts and outcasts.

 

China is called china because the first china was made there.

 

Gravity was discovered by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off.

Midnight Meat Train; WTH…was..that?

Did ANYONE besides me, watch ‘Midnight Meat Train’? Yeah! it’s a movie! It is a movie where one guy goes on smashing people’s heads, eyes, limbs with a shiny hammer.

When I tell people that I watched that movie, people always ask, “Why?” And my answer, “I had no choice, it was either this one or the ‘Attack of giant leeches’ and I know that latter would have ended with hero spraying tons of salt on big leeches.

Since I am one of those very few who watched that movie, and I figure that most of you wont even try to watch it, I hereby present before you the commentary of that movie. (Warning: May contain spoilers! But I don’t think you should worry, you are anyways not going to watch it.)

1.     There is this guy who smashes people’s head on the midnight subway train. In his day job, he happens to be a butcher.

2.     There is this other guy, who is a photographer and prefers to click portraits without taking permission from his subjects. So you know he is bound to get in trouble.

3.     Then there are few other guys who are there in the movie to come below butcher’s hammer while photographer clicks from other train compartment.

4.     Butcher has a wardrobe that seems borrowed from Danny Ocean. And somehow somebody has mastered the art of making tuxedos that are blood repellent, so all this while train gets splashed with blood, the butcher always comes out wearing a spotless suit.

5.     The movie is longer than it seems. When you think that this is just another slasher movie, where the hero’s fiancé/girlfriend/wife is going to shoot the slasher and end credits would roll on, the movie takes a twist. A big twist and then you start wondering that ‘Are you still watching the same movie?’

6.     Apparently NYPD knows about what is going on and they are part of a much bigger conspiracy. If you are looking at the half-eaten piece of sausage in your plate, don’t worry, the conspiracy is not big enough to feed you human meat.

7.     It is based on a short story. My opinion; it was better off as short story only and there was hardly a need to adapt it on screen, and show headless bodies, bodyless heads, eyes-hanging-out-of-eye-sockets, some body part without other parts, and vice versa.

 

I am now wondering, if I should have gone in for, ‘Attack of giant leaches’.

Scribbles from Last Week [Week 40, 2008]

[Debate]

Sarah Palin is going to commit blunders in this debate….She is going to faint…she is gonna have a stroke mid way…she just cannot handle this debate…blah blah blah!

 

All this hoopla before vice presidential debate, I actually thought that she was going to come on stage wearing a space suit with at least dozen biomedical devices attached to her.

*****

[Conversation]

Him: …everybody commits every sin everyday. It is like a conscious attempt..like u have a notebook and then you go…Greed. Cross. Sloth. Cross. Envy. Cross. Blah. Cross. Pride. Cross. Whatever. Cross. And then you run out of paper. Shit, no more paper. You are like..I have to commit more sins..Shit, what now?

Me: (silent)

*****

[Conversation]

“Can you believe it, the first electric powered vacuum cleaner was invented in 1900? And before that, they had mechanical ones!!”

“Really, mechanical as in you had to suck the air in from one end of pipe.”

*****

[Music and Lyrics]

An old Irish song. Amazing!

Oh dark is the evening and silent the hour

Oh who is that minstrel by yon shady tower

Whose harp is so tenderly touching with skill

Oh who could it be but young Ned of the Hill

And he sings, “Lady love, will you come with me now

Come and live merrily under the bough

I’ll pillow your head where the light fairies tread

If you will but wed with young Ned of the Hill”

 

Young Ned of the Hill has no castle or hall

No bowmen or spearmen to come at his call

But one little archer of exquisite skill

Has loosed a bright shaft for young Ned of the Hill

It is hard to escape to this young lady’s bower

For high is the castle and guarded the tower

But where there’s a will there’s always a way

And young Eileen is gone with young Ned of the Hill