Monthly Archives: June 2008

Pop goes my brain!

I woke up early this morning and since I am not really used to such a scenario, I found myself lying in bed with nothing to do. So naturally as it happens in such scnarios, I started pondering over questions that are equally important as the events leading to Big Bang, like why water in the southern hemisphere does not fall off (which will ultimately cause water in northern hemisphere to move down and then fall off, leading to complete loss of water on earth), why lemmings have not claimed their rightful position as most intelligent race of this planet and did Dodo become extinct because they were stupid or it’s a conspiracy by Al Qaeda. Oh! Do we actually have those many planets in our solar system or just to make it look cooler in textbook diagrams they added Saturn and Jupitar.

 

So today I was debating over this issue whose roots lie in this video on Koke’s blog. I happened to watch this video sometime back and what they have shown is that 4 cellphone , ringing at the same time while lying nearby can be used to make popcorns. Now before you run to collect all the cell phones in house and get some frozen stuff, let me tell you something; It was a hoax! So as of now, your cellphones bought in family plan, cannot replace that microwave. And also never ever try to replace your cellphone with a microwave. It’s probably not a good idea to put your head into the microwave and dial your friend’s number on the keypad and then shout, “HELLOO!”

 

But that did not stop me from thinking. WHAT IF cellphones were that powerful (and dangerous). Now, imagine a situation where 4 people around me get a call at same time. Under such circumstances, will my hearing center in brain pop like a popcorn? And the most important question, will I hear the pop sound if my hearing center is the thing making that sound?

 

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Subscription Card Woes!

 

I know, I am not the second most environment friendly guy on the face of this earth, first spot has already been assigned to Al Gore, but I am still one of those concerned ones. I once came so near to donating 20$ every month to WWF after watching a video clip of a polar bear standing on a small chunk of ice. I felt so much sympathy for the poor creature who was going to die by drowning as a result of global warming. For a second I even imagined a scene where I insert keys into my car, and keys changed into nails of a transparent polar bear’s coffin. I was about to push ‘Submit’ on the payment option when the polar bear jumped in water and started swimming. I never clicked submit. 

 

But there are issues that I take very seriously. Take for example, those magazine subscription cards that are there, loosely hanging between every couple of pages. I absolutely abhor them. I actually hate them so much not because wasting too much paper on is not environment friendly, but more so because they endanger my very existence in my room. They come in so much bulk that if I don’t clean them regularly, I might have to walk, sit and sleep on them.  Also they always tell my visitors that I never read most of the magazines I subscribe to. I sometimes wish that I could eat them. Food Crisis at my home would have been over.

 

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Firstly, I already have a subscription. Don’t you guys have that information in your records.  Can’t you send my magazine ‘subscription card free’.

 

Secondly, never ever show me a card that has subscription rate $5 less than what I actually paid you last month. I feel cheated!

 

Thirdly, if you do send me so many cards, please don’t put that line at the back of card saying, “This offer cannot be combined with any other offer”.

 

And, please try to save some trees. They are important, and also if you save some of them today, you might be able to publish one issue more than others in future.

 

Its Madhouse in there!

Imagine a small room cramped with 534 chatterbox type people, from different countries, different professional sphere and all left to tell a story at the same time. Or imagine 489 TV channels playing different stuff but all playing at the same time on a single screen. These two scenarios are kind of close description of what goes on inside my brain at any given moment. Truly! Its so messed up in there!

 

Even in most crazy situations I can get some most unexpected ideas or concerns. Take for example, some of the most weird thoughts that ran through my mind during my skydive. (Am sorry, I just can’t get over that event.)

 

Moments before I was going to jump, I had this funny feeling that one of my shoe is a bit too lose and it might come off during dive. My only concern was that where will it land if it came off. Will it hit some absolute stranger down below or will it go and hit some car windscreen? Can a shoe falling from 10000 ft break somebody’s neck/windscreen? Will I be charged for homicide by negligence in such a scenario? Will my insurance cover it? If the stranger survives, what will he think? Its like God threw a semi old sketcher on you to remind you of all the sins. It might have been perceived as warning of some sorts. Heed to the shoe or their comes somebody to deliver justice tomorrow.

 

And how many people do you know, who think whether their zipper is open while falling freely? I did! I mean there are times when you are sure its closed, and there are times when you are kinda sure but then there are times when you think that you might have forgot to close when you last emptied yourself.

I was falling and am thinking at the same time.

Is it open? Is it closed? Does it matter?

When will this parachute open?

Am I going to die with my zip open?

 

 

Who gets paid more? The camerawoman or my tandem trainer? Would it be good if I jump tied to camerawoman as she seems more experienced?

 

What if, I close my eyes while jumping from plane and realize that the plane has not got off the ground. Maybe they are all playing prank for Candid Camera or something

 

Why am I writing all this? Its not at all funny! There is not even a single line that is funny here. Should I publish it on blog? I should take people’s opinion before posting it…….

 

…..Should I?

 

Should I not…..Is the water on earth finishing?…..What happened to that small bird on road? Did I run it over….

 

What the hell?

 

What color was my parachute?

 

…..

 

What the hell, again!

 

 

I got the power!

When was the last time you thought that you were actually controlling weather. I think God transferred me the controls of State College weather some two days back. It is going totally the way I want. I mean not as in Bruce Almighty types but more as in like it rains heavily if I want and slows down if I want to go out for laundry. I come back home and from behind my window I wished that it should pour heavily, and it did. After dinner, I wished that it should slow down and lo behold! It did slow down that very moment.

I wished that lightening tear apart that oak tree blocking view from my window and suddenly the tree was down. Tree down! Tree down! (OK! OK! I am lying now! The tree is still there)

But it was scary! Whole night I was expecting visit from some weird guy from heaven with empty weather charts and some strange sort of pen to fill them.

Let me confirm my status with authorities and if turns out to be true, then I am planning to establish a request based weather system in state college. But please no extreme weather requests during exam week!

******

“life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement.”

                                                                                —J. K. Rowling

My First Skydive

Before the skydive

I had those dreams that I am falling freely and hitting the ground face on. There were some especially scary ones where I jumped off plane without the parachute. I also tried to explain myself that I can still survive without a parachute if I tear my T-shirt in mid-air and then use it as a small parachute.

Deep down inside, I have always believed that I am a superhero who has not realized what his actual powers are. I also had this idea that skydive-minus-parachute-scenario might be the scenario where I realize my powers. Just a thought!

A day before the actual skydive, I was camping overnight at a campground that had active bear population. There were moments when I wanted bear to come and eat me before I die by jumping out of a plane at 10000 ft. I was so sure that I am gonna die, that I wrote my will. Below is a part of that will. I never signed it because I had this belief that if I sign it, then I will die there and then.

I , Gaurav, hereby bequeath following things to aforementioned people in case of my death while skydiving.

Jeep Cherokee : To be owned jointly by S. and C. Both will share all the insurance and maintenance costs and if due to rising gas prices, one of them decides to dump it from a cliff, then the other person can veto it. Under no circumstances can they change the color of the car.

Books : Please donate it to some school in an African country whose name is most difficult to pronounce.

Oakwood Table: Donate it to oval office.

Futon , Book Rack and blah blah: Give it to all the incoming Indian students at Penn state.

Macbook: Burn/ Bury it with me. Please! Also bury half the charger cord and leave the power side out. I might need it inside.

My unpublished stories/ novel : Whoever has enough time to get them published can own them. You have full freedom to to publish them under your name but if you decide to do so, just change the name of  protagonist in each story to Gaurav.

…..

…..

…..

(I am not signing it right now because I think that if I do it right now, then I will die even before I do skydiving. But consider it signed if I die during the dive.)

P.S:  I just decided that I was acting too selfish about my macbook. Donate it to some children’s organization.

Just before skydive!

All dressed up and ready to go and I realized that I love my family and friends so much. I wanted to call all of them at the same time and tell them that I love all of you. Since my present phone company does not provide this service, I took a deep breath and then said the words in my heart hoping that it will work.

Skydive itself!

The only time you are not scared of a plane crashing is when you are going for skydive. I mean you anyways have to jump. But the most scary thing is when you are sitting next to the at the plane’s hatch and they open it at 10, 000 ft. Your mouth dries up, there are clouds and more clouds and some land deep down there. Then come the words, KNEES OUT and after that its only AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! …..(brief pause for breath)……..AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

For 30 seconds (which seem like eternity) there is free fall and that’s one of the most amazing things you can experience in your life. Falling down at the speed of 125 mph, the only thing you can hear is the sound and speed of wind. And then the parachute opens, and it goes silent! Complete SILENCE! Wow!!

 

Its simply wow! Amazing it is!

 

And after 6 or so minutes, its land! I am safe guys! I am back!

 

 

My throat sounds like a ’29 Indian without Muffler!

I might be the one of those 0.0000001% people, who suffer from cold and cough only when summer is at its peak. The biggest problem is that even though you are citing real reason in mail to your lab adviser , he feels that you are bluffing. 

So right now my throat sounds like a ’29 Indian bike that has lost its muffler. Yeah it is that bad and I realized that situation is so bad yesterday morning when I tried to shout at my apartment-mate’s door. He came out of room sniffing each and every electronic moving part in the house. His reason being that he just heard some loud harsh metallic noise.

Anyways, I am trying all sorts of medicine. I am taking Tylenol Cough which makes me feel sleepy all day and night long. A sleep without any dreams. I tried some Ayurvedic medicine, which supposedly all my friends have tried at some point in their life, to a good result. So I am hopeful. I am also thinking of taking some of my friends’ homeopathic medicine. Does not matter what he uses them for, I think they are all same anyways. Besides all this I have been trying some acupressure too. I have been trying to strangle myself for sometime now. But I am not telling it to my friends, as they would all jump in to help me in this one.

And if none of this works, I might put some small pins through my throat. Acupuncture will definitely work!

*****

Did they actually have mufflers on ’29 Indian?

I am assuming the answers to be ‘Yes’ because my grandpa retained his hearing capacity till pretty late in his life. So the bikes obviously had some sort of decibel control in his young days.

A Sad one and a Good one!

Sad Story!

I have gone bankrupt on my jokes.

I cut my finger yesterday while cutting oranges.

I spent $800 on my car and it came out of service station with more scratches and cracks than it had previously.

None of my novels is moving forward.

I took more than a week to finish one short story.

Research is also not coming good. God only knows what is wrong with those cells.  

All this and much more and I am more than 15,000 miles away from home.

 

 

Good Story!

 

I am still better than those at International Space Station. Poor lot, they are without a proper functional loo for quite a few days now.

(I know! I am very mean, I am always trying to find somebody more hapless than me.)