Monthly Archives: May 2008

Ossyidius C. Clarke

Interviewer: Hello Dr. Ossyidius C. Clarke.

O.C. Clarke: Hey! Hi! I am amazed that we still use the words like “Hello and Hi”.

Interviewer: So you are the oldest man on this earth.

OCC: Yes my son! At least the records say so. Last week, I turned 10, 000 years old.

Interviewer: Wow! that’s simply amazing.

….

….

….

Interviewer: So what do you think is the greatest mistake of human civilization?

OCC: I would say that we should have never stolen fire. We should have made something on our own. Something different, entirely different!

Interviewer: Oh well! I think we have enough proofs to say that we made it ourselves, by striking stones or something like that actually.

OCC: In that case we should have caught and hanged the person who first wrote that we stole fire. Liar to the core! He built a fake world for me.

….

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******

 

Please welcome Dr. Ossyidius C. Clarke on the blog. You might see more of him here in future. He is everything; the oldest man, the greatest hero, a speck, a plane, a superhero, a bird, a toaster, a seed (actually coffee bean), …everything.

 

 

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Boston Trip

I am back from my trip and after sleeping continuously for last 24 hrs, I have regained the balance of my sleeping to non sleeping hours. (Normal Ratio = 0.6). Anyways, the trip was great. Boston as always inspired me again to work hard as a scientist. I was so determined to try those couple of brilliant ideas as soon as I get back to lab but then I went to Newport the next day and my commitment towards research became hazy behind the beauty of beaches and richness of mansions. I, now think that I should move to modeling or acting or something else that can give me enough money to buy one of those mansions.

I also realized that I have reached an age where I can start giving advice. So here it is, my first advice for you guys.

Some of the most amazing things in life are:

  1. Friends
  2. Ice Cream
  3. Ice cream with friends at 3.00 AM.
  4. Coasters that look like miniature bamboo rafts.  You can make almost everything with them; hut, boat, mouth organ, flute……

(Normal nonsense programming will resume soon!) 

Eeiyyahhh!

Just next to my lab is this lab which has lot of Chinese students. No, not for experimentation purposes but they are actually researchers trying to decipher secrets behind brain function. Our lab and that Chinese lab share this common corridor and every time they want to go to their lab, they have to a pass in front of my desk.

 Anyways, so today I don’t know what happened to one of their Chinese students. Everytime he passes by my desk, and nears his lab he makes this loud noise saying, “Eeiyyahhh!”. 

 The typical sound that you hear in those martial art movies that is accompanied by a pose in which left arm is stretched in front with left hand facing the opponent like a mirror. At the same time, the right hand is bent at elbow and right hand makes a claw like shape. (please reverse left-right if you are left handed or you are watching your martial art movies in mirror). And then while you push your claw shaped right hand forward, you make this sound, ” Eeiyyahhh!!”.

 But what is funny here is that he is making it while walking normally and I have heard it like 20 times till now. I don’t know why he is doing so; either he has nailed some really really complex mystery of neuroscience (something like why can’t I ever remember the name of that red haired green eyed girl in my class or something like why do I always skip 67 while counting or something like why can’t we imagine a superhero without cape or blah blah) or he has finally figured out the difference between male and female brain.

 Or PhD has increased its toll on him. I guess one of these days, when I get saturated with all those new ideas and concepts, you will also find me shouting, “Eeiyyahh!” while walking hopelessly on road.

 Whatever!

 

******

 Long weekend! Yippee! I am going to Boston and couple other places near Boston. What are you guys doing?

Boston is one city that always inspires me to work harder in my scientific career.(Harvard-MIT effect) But that inspiration lasts only one week! After that I am back to my procrastinating best!

 

I am such a loser.

 

******

 I tried to shoot a short movie last weekend. Wrote a modified version of ‘Alex And Emma’, with lot of new subplots and characters thrown in and carefully diverting from the old plot.

 

But the shooting never took off. All my cast members overslept and by the time they woke up, it was time for their writer-director to go to sleep.

 

You know who my inspiration is in terms of film making. It is none other than “Ed Wood”. If you don’t know him, don’t worry, just check the Wiki entry about this ‘worst director of all times’ and do watch the Tim Burton movie by same name.

 

******

 Have a great weekend!  

 

 

I Feel, I am a Straw!

 

I did not feel funny this week. So this post might be extraordinarily boring and extremely thought provoking for some cases.

 

I was confused for whole week and wanted to split myself into two, have a duel between two halves and decide all the matters.

 

I felt like a centipede. The one which everybody sees for a second while walking and debates for a second as to whether they should step on it. Most think otherwise in most cases and walk away. 

 

I feel like a straw (not the milkshake one! Just the normal water one!) Hollow! And somebody sucking life through me.

 

I have decided to take permission from people before I tell them a PJ. This way they get excited in anticipation.

 

I felt like a Jelly bottle. (I don’t know why)

 

Other day, I though that I am the cap hanger and everybody hangs their caps on me. I don’t know it it is good or bad.

 

I spent the whole Tuesday wondering what is the best terrain to test the feeling that an ant gets while walking on a 7 day old coffee.

 

I had this feeling that all 4 tires of my car are trying to go in different directions. But I did not stop to check. I calculated the vector sum of all the directions and decided that I am going to go in only one direction.

 

What the hell?!! What am I writing?! (I kept this to give you the joy of reading uncut version of this blog entry)

 

Cheers!

 

 

Research and Me

 

Yesterday, somebody asked me, “What are you working on for your PhD?”

 

I was in no mood to talk about the algorithms for protein function prediction, networks and all. (Actually I am rarely in that mood)

 

So as usual I made up some story, which interests me and throws listener into pit of amazement. Amazement that is born due to sheer uncertainty of my work.

 

I said that I am trying to study ‘how retinal patterns in cockroach eyes can tell us about the first events after big bang‘.  Then I went over the whole idea of how different sections of a complex eye are similar to different galaxies with different structures and potentials. 

 

Flavor Of Love

Have you ever watched it? Ever?

I know you have jobs and work and blah blah at hand but still, have you ever watched it? You should!

I am no fan of reality TV. Not at all. But this is something I could not skip on TV the other day. I was doing the channel surfing as usual. I always play this game where I try to see how fast can I make a TV remote run out of its battery. Also sometimes I shuffle between the movie channels to watch 3-4 different movies at the same time.

Anyways, so one of these days, my fingers stopped dead on remote at the site of this dude (yeah!! Dude) with a big wall clock hanging from his neck and wearing a metal horned helmet. He was also saying something, which I did not quite comprehend. I initially thought it was some sort of spoof on Vikings or an advertisement of some clock or just a footage of torture in Guantanamo. But it happened to be this reality TV sensation ‘Flavor Of Love’. And our dude happens to be Flavor Flav. (wow!! amazing name!)

This is what the show is all about:

Twenty different ladies compete for Flavor Flav‘s heart as they live together in a mansion in Encino, California. He is helped in his quest by his bodyguard and chauffeur named “Big Rick”. He was also assisted by his mother, as well as his former romantic partner

How do you get twenty such ladies. Isn’t it hard to find 20 such girls who go drooling over this 49 year old ‘dude with golden braces’ of ours and the fact that the show is starting its 3rd season, getting 60 such ladies is an amazing feat!

Oh! And what’s up with this clock in neck?

Flavor is known for the clock he wears around his neck, which started as a joke

Oh yeah! A joke! I think it still looks like a joke!! I might be wrong though!

In December of 1996, he (Flavor Flav) was arrested for two pounds of marijuana. He is a hip-hop comedian for the group Public Enemy, in addition to being an amazing pianist, guitarist, and drummer. He has eight known children.

‘known eight children’!!! So what is this? Since you can’t keep a count of your children, you start finding your love on TV and let public keep a count of what goes on. And then you also have a big (really big) clock to tell you the time when you can’t read time in wristwatch under the influence of marijuana.

 Flav has more than one trademark, the others include wearing a metal-horned helmet and vibrant colors such as pink.

Oh! My eyes! My eyes!

That brings me back to start of this blog. Why did I say that you should watch Flavor of Love?

I said that because the first time I saw into a welding torch directly, I thought I would go blind. So I told everybody to go and see it directly because I did not want to be the only blind kid in class.

I am very mean!! Yes I am!

 

Something to do with Ramayana!

I am weird!

Ok! I know thats stale NEWS! But one more evidence of my craziness.

Ok! so yesterday i felt this urgent need to enact Ramayana in my room. The reason for this urge remains unknown but then I give in easily to my own whims. Since nobody else is that generous to my sudden whims and that too specially at 12.00 in night, I ended up enacting some of my favorite characters myself. Here is a list of all the characters that I did, before the final scene where I die as Ravana, fall on my bed and go to sleep.

Dasrath/Janaka/Any other of those kings with curly beard

I really really love when that bow breaks and the only way to enact surprise, happiness, angst and blah blah emotions is to move your head a bit away from camera in a sudden jerky fashion and then stroke your curly beard. I tried this a couple of times and then I twitched a neck muscle. Time to move down in generation.

Laxman
Wow! I love that character. I never wanted to be Rama but my dream role was to be laxman at that Ram Leela just behind the old railway station.
I though of couple of things to do for that role but ended up shouting “Sita matey! Sita matey!” and thats it.

Hanuman
Who does not want to be Hanuman. He could fly, he could lift mountains, he was smart, he could give political advice and he remained single. He was all superhero types! And then who does not love to make that monkey face by blowing air in your mouth so that your cheeks protrude out.

So I did that monkey face, lifted that heaviest pillow and then jumped from my table and shouted, “Jai Hanuman!”.

Angad
Now that’s something that you always want to achieve. Be so strong that nobody can lift your feet from ground howsoever hard they may try. Not even all the kings men, not even all the king’s horses…

Jambvant
I have always loved the Bear characters! I mean you always love a bear as long you are not in front of a bear wih just air in between you. So I set down on my futon with by black colored comforter all around me and then made those growling bear sounds.

And then all of a sudden, I broke into this song from Jungle book!

And then my final act for the day, Ravana, 10 headed monster, who was killed by an arrow in his navel. I fell down into my bed and then went to sleep.

Woke up today morning! and said this to myself, “Dude!, you are going crazy”

Crazy People!

Did you see that NEWS about that ritual at a particular temple in India, where they drop new born babies from around 50 feet and people catch them below. Apparently this is considered good for the kids.

 

What is it? Some kind of answer to Spartan tradition of throwing kids to wolves.

 

But in that case aren’t we late by quite some years?

 

What are they actually expecting to happen to kids. That some day, one of the kids is going to change course mid way through free fall. If he floats up instead of falling down, they are going to worship him as God. Monaco Biscuits is going to hire him as their brand ambassador.

 

If a kid, stops mid way and then flies away in  different direction. They are going to shoot bullets at him and if he still survives, then put a headline in morning daily about the birth of a new real Superman.

 

Or are they trying to find a baby who can defy gravity and shoot fire out of his mouth. That would be the birth of devil and sign for the end of world.

 

What exactly are you expecting from this ritual. I mean throwing newborns 50 feet down and then let somebody catch those kids on a bedsheet held by a bunch of people. I know you love playing Cricket but please for God’s sake, go and catch ball!

 

God’s Sake! Ya God’s Sake!