Monthly Archives: December 2007

Funny Side Up!

The waiter at Waffle Shop asked me, “ Sir, How do you want your eggs?”

 “Funny Side Up!” said I.

What happened after is not worth telling. But some people do not have a sense of humor. Or at least some people do not have a sense of humor when they are at job and its 8.00 am. 

 

Life is a box of chocolates. But why do I always get those Peanut butter filled ones?!

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“I am No Superman”

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“I am no Superman”
This one line can save you from many problems. I would not be wrong if I say that it could have saved millions from the trouble. Just one line. Lets take history first!! Well I have no idea why many people talk about history first and then talk about present. Is it right in giving more importance to past then present. “I don’t know, I am no superman.” Anyways back to past.

Scenario I
Atlas is asked to lift earth on his shoulders. He could have easily said, ” I am no superman”. God would have devised some other way to hold earth in mid air or there would have been no earth. End of all miseries. Just one line.

Scenario II
Atlas asked Hercules to take over as earth bearer for a fraction of second. Had Hercules said, “I am no superman. I can’t do this”. Atlas would have died under the weight due to shoulder dislocation or something worse in the absence of that much required rest. Again earth falls down, rolls through the universe, hits some random star numbered XCVIII and boom! End of all miseries.

Scenario III
Somebody asked somebody, ” Can you make a atom bomb?”. The man in white coat replies, “What do you think I am..Superman. I am a scientist, I am no superman.”. NO BOMBS. Peace in world. We lived happily ever after.

Scenario IV
I am in shopping mall, girlfriend asks me, ” Hey honey, Can you lift all these bags?”. I have a look at the bags. Well if carry all these, mall would run out of supply. So I take decision. “Honey, I am no superman. Find one if you want one as boyfriend. “. BREAK UP. Single status is nice. Nice is good.

Scenario V
Aliens (Brothers of Superman) attack earth. Arnold Schwarzenegger has already died. Aliens ask for surrender. What will you do? Dig earth deeper and deeper for kryptonite or its homologue. I say, just tell one thing, ” We are no superman!!”. Aliens understand that we are useless, do their risk to benefit analysis. Board their flying bicycles and leave for next planet. Earth is saved again.This time without Arnold!!


The Mist: Alternate Actors and Story!


Whenever I watch a movie, I have this weird habit of imagining different actors playing a role besides the one actually on screen. Yesterday, I watched ‘The Mist’. Based on a Stephen King book, it’s a story about a bunch of malfunctioning disco smoke machines. Oops, am sorry, that was story of a different movie titled, “The Disco Smoke”. ‘The Mist’ is actually about parallel universes, church, stem cells, dog food, a bunch of weird insects (with growth hormone over expression), and mist. I am serious this time. So it is about a group of people who get struck in a local store during this freak storm that brings all the weird monsters with it. I hate those flying monsters. I digress here. So back to other actors playing the lead role in this movie about the survival on mankind. So here is my list of people who could have played the lead role and how movie would have turned out in those cases.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who else can save earth better than our Governor of California? He has done it before, he can do it again. A local store surrounded by monsters, perfect scene for entry of our Governor. He would have gone out, picked up that chain gun from his car and whoops, ‘Alien God save aliens’.

Sylvester Stallone: Imagine a 5 min shot, where our good old Rambo collects all the knives, forks in the local store and accouters himself for his war against monsters. Oh! Don’t forget the black face paint using Blueberry marmalade. Rambo takes time to dress up but once ready it would mean the end of monsters. A 60 ft. monster dying due to a kitchen knife piercing his heart. Only Rambo can do this act.

(Good Question: Do alien monsters have hearts. If yes, are there hearts like ours, shaped like a betel leaf minus its tapering tip. )

Jim Carey: That’s my favorite. He would have tied knots with tentacles of that big octopus. He would have said, ” Alrighty then!!” after seeing every monster. Asked them about their pets, family blah blah. But believe me he would have killed monsters by making them laugh. Don’t you know that monsters don’t laugh because their stomach muscles are pretty weak and easily give in to a hard laugh?

Will Smith: He has fought with monsters and, he has fought robots. I don’t have to say anymore. He would have rocked.

Matthew Perry: Blank

Most Indian Actors: Besides singing and dancing around the monster tentacles, they would have fought all the oddities coming between him and his love. They would have finally married and lived happily after. Oh! The monster! Yeah he would have been dead in first half of movie itself. I would have loved to see Sunny Deol, Rajnikant and Chanderchur Singh in the movie. (Chander Who?!!)

A Case of Heavenly Involvements

Somebody filed a case in court questioning the inclusion of word ‘God’ in a ‘particular’ pledge. The man claims to be an atheist. Well I don’t have much to say in this regard but back in school, we used to have a pledge in morning assembly that used to say that, “All Indians are my brothers and sisters”. Every boy in school used to say till “All Indians are my brothers and remain silent on sister part.” Very simple way not to pledge something we don’t believe, but we never went to court fighting the pledge. Now I think we should have filed a case against school. It would have been fun.

So this atheist guy has filed a case. I don’t want to get into any atheist vs theist debate here but well how is this guy going to prove that he is an atheist. That should be important in order to prove that the pledge is actually against his beliefs and word ‘God’ is actually hurting his sentiments. I mean one way is to see what he says when theist say, ” Oh my God!!”. He might me saying ‘Oh my” only.

My suggestion to that dude is that forget this case. I mean why to increase the load on already loaded judiciary system this holiday season and just remain silent when everybody says, “GOD” during that pledge. Merry Christmas and May God bless you. Oops. May ______ bless you.

Digital Gravestones (iStone)!!

Is there anything that you would like to keep on listening or watching after you die. OR is there something that you want to keep on saying to this world even after you die? Well if you said yes, then you need to buy the “Serenity Panel” being marketed by Vidstone LLC. Its a weatherproof digital display panel that can be fitted on gravestones. And for Captain Planeteers, its solar powered too!

Well the options galore with “Serenity Panel”. You can have your whole photo album into panel, or else your full iPOD playlist. Even videos too!! I am planning to put my favorite movies in my iSTONE. You know it can get pretty boring when all other dead ones are sleeping. Although the ‘Serenity panel’ is supposed to be fixed outside but I think combined with a Bose Home Grave theater system, it can work wonders. Just a quick caution here; Please respect the privacy of others and no loud music in your grave. If grave theater system is not your cup of cake, then you can always ask for a small hole in your coffin through which you can carry your headphones in!!

Well the company has 100 dealers in US and just 1 in UK. But none in Pennsylvania!! I am sad now!! Anyways when asked about sales figures, a dealer said,”We don’t release our sales figures. It is not a huge number at the moment.” Actually what they meant to say was that there are no sales still. But times will change, for sure. As another dealer says, “This a big step, putting electronics on your headstone. People Dead people are used to sandblasted, granite and things like that.”

So why go and put flowers on graves of your loved ones. Just upload pics of all the flowers of world and your loved one gets one new flower every other minute. I am only waiting for other companies to jump in this lucrative business. And since I am an Apple fan, I am waiting for the iSTONE.

The Golden Compass

I finally broke the streak of me watching poor or average movies in theater. So what if it was done with a child fantasy movie. It was the money well spent. Went to watch Golden compass yesterday night. Made a right decision of going a bit early before the show as the theater became full pretty soon. So here is what I think about the movie.

Dakota Blue Richards does an amazing job as the ‘child’ who inherits golden compass. Nicole Kidman still looks good. So does James Bond. Oops Daniel Craig!!

Well does anybody know what the name of Eva Green was in the movie. I thought it was Saratoga Pinacolada. She was a fairy and her verita serum question is, ” Who was my lover?”

Polar bears are warriors. That too ferocious one. What else can you expect from a polar bear if you give him an armor. Give me an armor and I would start hitting people too. Well given that I am able to lift all the weight of armor.

Everybody has a daemon. Its that kind of thing from ‘Arabian Nights’ where somebody’s soul is in an animal. Well after coming I wondered what my daemon could be. I was confused between a panther, horse and a gibbon. Well a chimera of these three would be good but I think gibbon would suit me better than other ones.

Why does that old cowboy from Ghost rider (Sam Elliott) always play the same role. I mean isn’t he bored of playing cowboy in every movie. When I become an actor, I would like to play the role of the ‘guy watching TV with soda and nachos’ in every movie. More takes per scene, merrier I am.

Arm and Hammer Toothpaste!!

Pardon my ignorance here but I came to know about ARM and HAMMER toothpaste yesterday only. I saw this TV commercial and could not stop laughing. I know I am not completely sane and laugh at slightest instance. (I am still one of those people who laugh at watching a man slip on banana peel). Back to hammer….So the funny part was not the commercial itself but the irony of a toothpaste named ARM and Hammer!! As long as they are making detergents, its great with me. The detergent does not go into your mouth. The idea of a hammer (or worst arm and hammer) in your mouth  every morning is kinda scary but funny.

This is like naming a detergent powder Dirty Black,or a deodorant  Pooh Pooh!!

Photocopiers became Xerox. What if some years down the lane, Toothpaste become ARM & HAMMER.  Parents are teaching their child, “Do Arm & Hammer twice a day”!!

Dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream……

If there is some kind of record for maximum number of dreams within a dream, then i broke it last night. I know many people don’t remember their dreams but I am different. I remember my dreams in entirety. Actually sometimes I remember more than what I actually dream!!

So here’s how it started . I was actually on this plane for skydiving. Strangely enough the plane had lot of people paddling to make it fly. I guess it did not have an engine. But then all of a sudden the plane starts to go down. Next scene the plane is descending slowly with all the parachutes attached to the plane itself. Without a reason I jump out of plane. I think I did not want miss the chance for skydiving just because the plane used all the parachutes. Anyways so I am falling from the sky. I think i saw a meteor or two pass by me. Then suddenly I open my eyes and I am in bed. But the ceiling is missing.

Okay, so the ceiling is not there over my bed. I can see a big fan hanging from sky. When it moves the clouds are moving around it. I distinctly remember seeing a man who looked like Charles Darwin standing on one of the blades. A big (actually very very big) book falls on the blade and it bends. I am looking towards sky to see if Darwin falls. Nothing ever falls except that I see a shark moving towards me. In air or was it water I don’t know. But its a nice time to open your eyes. And thats what I do. But as soon as I wake up, I hear a heavy engine sound.

I open my eyes and I am in a motor boat. I go through a dark tunnel and on other side a movie is being shot. I go past the line of directors, actors, cameras blah blah and lo there waits a whirlpool. After some circles of decreasing radii , my boat goes into the eye.  Next scene my boat is actually falling into open mouth of a coffee canister. Time to wake up for sure now.

So I wake up and sit on my computer and start pushing keys. The site open on my laptop screen is wordpress and I am writing a blog. I click publish and scene zooms out into the ‘earth from space’ view. It zooms back in and in a well lit room, a person unknown to me is reading something on his laptop. He is sitting too close to screen and suddenly he shouts, “What nonsense is this!!!”. I open my eyes again……..

I am back!!!!

Yes I am back after about about two weeks. I was busy preparing for my PhD candidacy exam which I cleared today (I am not taking the liberty of saying with flying colors here!!). But yes I did clear it. I had reached a stage where the only thing in my mind was the neuron structures. I noticed that a bare tree has a dendritic morphology. The dandruff on your head is actually like Golgi Outposts of a dendrite labelled with a golgi specific stain. And the best of it, a train drawing on paper looks like a straight axon with mylein sheath.

Well as you can see, I am not a great fan of exams. Well i doubt if there are people who like exams. But one can never say for sure. There are exceptions of all types. So I am back and I have lot of work now. Can’t use “I have my candidacy coming up!!” line to avoid work now. Actually work and snow!!

So I am back to my antisense antics. Get ready to hear more nonsense and antisense things. Cheers!!