the problem is…
After watching five crappy movies in a row, this is exactly how I feel –it’s a world full of bad screenwriters! I cry for the forests.
Anyways, I saw this trailer, and decided to look back at all the stories I had written, and classify them into piles of “Torture on Nature”, “Why??” and “Well! Ahem! Its different kind of story!” Ladies and Gentleman, I better not tell you the numbers in each pile, but lets just put in dialogues of “Bluetooth Virgin”, that the problem with some of them is that they were written.
******
[Screenplay]
“I am writing a screenplay”
“Wow! What is it about?”
“Its about this chef on H.M.S Beagle!”
“You mean, H.M.S Beagle as in the ship on which Darwin traveled.”
“Yup! Exactly!”
“And?”
“The story unfolds to reveal that he was the actual proponent of evolution theory. What do you think about it?”
“Err..Don’t you think its missing some action?”
“No, No! I forgot to tell you, the chef is actually a time traveler, and he actually stole the idea from Darwin himself, and then the guy, I mean, the chef gets murdered too. What do you think now?”
“err…ahem ahem…”
Fan Fiction
[No is also an answer!]
“Give me an unbreakable vow that you will help Draco finish the job assigned to him by dark lord”, says Narcissa Malfoy.
Snape looks into the darkness of Whatever Street and says, “There are very few people in this world, for whom I would do anything, and you lost that right, when you walked away on me 19 years, 2 months, and 10 hours back.”
He looks at Narcissa’s face for one last time and walks away, without saying any further word. Narcissa stands there alone, watches him disappear into the dark alleys, his flowing robes slowly following him, and images from past flashing before her eyes….
[Mistaken Identities]
“Professor Langdon, we found this symbol inscribed…”
“Excuse me, hold on, How many times should I tell you that I am not this Langdon dude!”
“Professor, this is no time to joke, if we don’t act now, the whole world is going to end in 10 hrs…”
“..and how much of those 10 hrs do you want to waste on me. I am not a Professor, my last name is not Langdon, and all these symbols are just cave drawings to me.”
“What about your ID, which says Dr. Robert Langdon”
“Ohhh!! That!!! I was at this restaurant the other day, and I met this totallyyy drunk bastard, and he said that he was ready to trade his wallet for the piece of paper on which I was playing Pictionary. So, I just said deal, and here am I.”
Target is on move…
Anybody who sees CSI-Miami, CSI-NY, CSI-Timbaktu, CSI-Moon, CSI-Mars, FBI, NCIS, CID (Indian one), SWAT, UID (Ugandan Investigation Dept. –ohhh, I love that one), or any other TV serial/movie about a group of astoundingly efficient detectives who behave as one big dysfunctional family, would be aware of this one particular scene, that is, when a detective in plain clothes (tuxedo on most occasions) is following a potential (almost sure) culprit, and he hushes, not in a microphone, not in phone receiver, no form of sound receiving device, but just that invisible thin air around his mouth, “Target is on move” and the whole investigative unit gets into action.
What is their problem, man! If the point is to remain under cover, then from a third person’s perspective, why would you start talking to yourself! Anybody and everybody notices the guy in party who is talking to himself. People think that even people with Bluetooth phone speakers are stupid! You don’t even have that!
Anyways, since I raised the question, I will provide a solution too; Why can’t we hire ventriloquists as special agents? I mean, you will still hear sounds but your agent remains undercover all throughout the party. Pretty neat. Isn’t it??
In a Parallel World…
…..Harry checks into Hogwarts Clinic with stomach pains. A few doctors draped in white robes rush in, one after another, and color of lantern that hangs over the heavy dungeon door changes to red.
A few hours have passed since the light first went ‘Red’ . Ron, Hermoine pace nervously in the cobbled corridor, and that’s when a doctor comes out of room.
“Doctor?”, Ron says.
Doctor sighs a bit and then says, “Ab inhe dawa se jyaada dua ki jarrorat hain” (He needs prayers more than prescriptions now)
[Next day]
(Ron is sitting in Doctor’s office)
RON: How many more days, Doctor? Kitna? Kitna waqt hain hamare paas?
DOCTOR: kuch kaha nahin jaa sakta…Inka dimaag inke phepdo mein gir gaya hain jiski wajah se inka pet kharaab ho gaya hain. (Can’t say anything, His brain has fallen into his lungs, due to which he is experiencing stomache pains)
[A few songs follow]
Doctor comes out of room, “Maine injection de diya hain, ghabraane ki koi baat nahin hain” (I have given him an injection, there is no need to worry now)
…
…
…
They are slowly removing bandages from Harry’s eyes, one layer after another….harry slowly opens his eyes….and then, “Doctor, mujhe kuch dikhaai nahin de raha hain doctor, Doctor, DOCTOORRRRR! (I can’t see anything, Doctor)”**
{**I have no idea how stomachache got so malignant that it reached eyes. But that’s how it is. No arguments}
A blind Harry chases the Volde dude down a hill, jumps on his moving broom, saves his friends, throws the Volde dude alongwith his stupid broom over a cliff….
There’s a Mallika Sherawat item number in the end, and..
“CUT!!! PURRFECTT!” I say.
[PS: I have no idea as to why or what I wrote in this post. It started as some other joke but took a completely different form by the end. But, if you finished reading it, then probably, you have finished reading all the dialogues that were ever spoken by any doctor in any Indian movie. Somebody should rewrite their dialogues, man! ]
One that Got Away….
Okay, first time ever, I am anxiously waiting for an Adam Sandler movie. My favorite trailer moment:
“There is always one girl out there that got away…one that got away…guys have that and serial killers have that.” —Funny People (2009)
It is so hilariously true! Although, I can kinda relate/confirm only the guy part of dialogue…no serial killer tendencies involved. 
So at 12.21 AM, as I feel all mushy about mine ‘one that got away’, sip coffee, flip through freeze framed moments of nostalgia, here it is, a song for you people.
For listening to full song: Click here [Challenged as I am in some respects, I could not figure out how to embed a video from Todou to WordPress using a Mac OS. Any inputs?]
India Diaries II
The adventure continues. An important piece of advice; never bring your WHITE Macbook to India (just to be politically correct, lets say Delhi in particular). Thanks to the construction work of Delhi Metro and a flyover, my house gets more dust per day than entire annual rainfall in Kalahari. Statue of a retired army Maj. General in Town Square is under such a thick layer of dust that it looks like one of those Easter Island ones now.
Took a ride in Haryana Roadways bus and the same old question from my childhood days came back to haunt me; How the hell do these buses even move an inch without falling apart? As soon as driver moved to 1st gear, I was pretty sure that next second my unhinged seat will be flying out all alone and land in a debris with all other seats lying around me on road, but still they somehow manage to get it to run across the length and breadth of whole Haryana state. I also travelled in this video coach bus and they were playing this crappy old B-grade movie flick starring some out of work A-grade actors. Then there was this drunkard who wanted to pee, so the driver had to stop in the middle of nowhere.
Shuffling channels on TV is fun. Every alternate channel is a news channel and in between news channels and soap operas, there are movie trailers. Oh! By the way, I found this trailer of Dev.D particulary interesting. Starring Abhay Deol, this movie is based on Devdas but I am pretty sure that it is going to be interesting take n Devdas. Specially with a song titled Emotional Atyachaar, and a band named Patna ke Preselys, this is one movie, I am looking forward to.
Talismaan: Chandrakanta, the Movie, the real whatever it is!!
Can somebody please tell me;
1) Why the hell is Amitabh Bachchan looking like a crude blend of Saruman/Dumbledore/Mad Eye Moody?
2) Why the hell does he shout ‘NO WAR!!” and then pulls out his sword. I mean, com’on “No War”! Was it supposed to be message for still president George W. Bush.
3) Why is he carrying with him, a glass sword? Glass Sword!!!! Whats wrong with water balloons then?
4) Why is the lettering on swords most often in Chinese?
5) Why does the glass sword change into an ugly half dragon, half night crawler kind of character at the end of trailer? Why could’nt they choose something prettier, less uglier, and not so trite?
Midnight Meat Train; WTH…was..that?
Did ANYONE besides me, watch ‘Midnight Meat Train’? Yeah! it’s a movie! It is a movie where one guy goes on smashing people’s heads, eyes, limbs with a shiny hammer.
When I tell people that I watched that movie, people always ask, “Why?” And my answer, “I had no choice, it was either this one or the ‘Attack of giant leeches’ and I know that latter would have ended with hero spraying tons of salt on big leeches.
Since I am one of those very few who watched that movie, and I figure that most of you wont even try to watch it, I hereby present before you the commentary of that movie. (Warning: May contain spoilers! But I don’t think you should worry, you are anyways not going to watch it.)
1. There is this guy who smashes people’s head on the midnight subway train. In his day job, he happens to be a butcher.
2. There is this other guy, who is a photographer and prefers to click portraits without taking permission from his subjects. So you know he is bound to get in trouble.
3. Then there are few other guys who are there in the movie to come below butcher’s hammer while photographer clicks from other train compartment.
4. Butcher has a wardrobe that seems borrowed from Danny Ocean. And somehow somebody has mastered the art of making tuxedos that are blood repellent, so all this while train gets splashed with blood, the butcher always comes out wearing a spotless suit.
5. The movie is longer than it seems. When you think that this is just another slasher movie, where the hero’s fiancé/girlfriend/wife is going to shoot the slasher and end credits would roll on, the movie takes a twist. A big twist and then you start wondering that ‘Are you still watching the same movie?’
6. Apparently NYPD knows about what is going on and they are part of a much bigger conspiracy. If you are looking at the half-eaten piece of sausage in your plate, don’t worry, the conspiracy is not big enough to feed you human meat.
7. It is based on a short story. My opinion; it was better off as short story only and there was hardly a need to adapt it on screen, and show headless bodies, bodyless heads, eyes-hanging-out-of-eye-sockets, some body part without other parts, and vice versa.
I am now wondering, if I should have gone in for, ‘Attack of giant leaches’.
Indian Gothic Horror! Really? No…
(Some random graveyard in middle of nowhere…..)
Our hero’s car stops running all of a sudden and even after moving key in all the directions, it fails to start.
It’s a stormy weather. Lightening seems to be repeating the exact same pattern in sky. Roaring of tin sheets repeats itself. Oh! Sorry that’s thunder. Thundering storm it is! My apologies.
The ground in graveyard seems to be moving. Oh yes it shakes and moves up. Something below is buzzing, trying to get out. Trying hard. After three trials, that something manages to bring his one hand out of his grave. Second hand follows.
Finally the guy, dude, grotesque beast, Dracula type thingie, ghost, demon, whatever, somebody in funny grotesque mask, 4 teeth red with blood, comes out of his grave.
Suddenly the scene shifts to some girls’s bathroom. What! Is something missing.? Is the reel missing? Anyways…
(The same scene has been repeated in about 300 movies. I may be way off in that number but I have definitely not exceeded that actual number.)
I actually love those old Indian movie attempts at Gothic horror and likes! The Ramsey brother factory. Wow!!
Being Watched
Ya know what, Man! Ma favorite movie gotta be “The Truman Show”. Yeah man yeah. Yo baby!
Ok, I don’t know why I wrote the above lines like that but it is just my stupid instinct. But yes, ‘Truman Show’ happens to be one of my favorite movies. Well I distinctly remember the first time I watched it. I felt this little something inside me saying that I was the actual Truman Burbank.
I was a high school kid then and for quite some years I had been harboring this idea that I was being watched. Being watched everywhere. Almost Everywhere actually, as I believed that howsoever bad my watcher maybe, but they were working in close collaboration with my parents and my parents would not allow somebody to watch me in loo. And then I saw this movie about the guy whose whole life was actually running live as a TV Show. I watched this movie and then said, “Damn!”. For quite somedays after this, I was trying to find a camera in everything. I truly believed that the light bulbs at my place were TV Cameras and people around me had deliberately not imparted me this knowledge about light bulbs.I had this firm belief that the movie was made just to see my reaction to movie.
That feeling keeps on visiting me till this day. Not to that extent though. I sometimes feel that I don’t have to post a blog after I have written it. I guess that people have already seen me punching every word on keyboard. So they already know what I am going to say once I say press. The story continues my friends, the story continues……..
