Unlikely Things to Hear On Indian Reality Shows
“Aye, main to kaam waali bai re! mere ko to khali ghar saaf karne ka bola!” (I am the house cleaning lady, and I was told to clean the house)
All our audience who are wondering why they are seeing only a blank screen today, here’s the answer; actually a robber broke into our house last nite and stole all our cameras.
“I am Pratibha Patil, and I am a witch doctor!”
“Okay, all the participants, we are going to leave five alligators in your bedroom tonite. All those who survive will face a vote out tomorrow.”
“Rakhi ji is going to marry you one by one, but you have to tell her one new story every night. If you run out of stories, she will kill you and marry next one.”
“For vote out today, we have Jaadu (from outer space), Krissh and Laloo Prasad Yadav”
“I am a psychic and I know I am going to win this show.”
“Shilpa, you cannot use race card every time.”
“This is Roadies Whiteout. This year we go to Antarctica and winner will get to drive back home on his Karizma Bike. Losers will be buried in snow for posterity.”
“Due to recession, there would be no vote-out today. We are just going to throw some of you out.”
“I am writer of this reality show. So everybody, listen…”
“TRPs are falling. So lets shed some clothes!”
“No Sashi, you can’t tweet everything that goes on in this house. Not even after using metaphorical language.”
“I used to be a cameraman on the amazing race, then I thought, why should I run behind participants holding a camera? I can be a participant myself!”
“Our house got foreclosure notice. Who the hell owns this place?”
Unlikely Things to Hear on Ektaa Kapoor Serial
- He is dead and he won’t be back for sure this time.
- In the series finale….
- Narrator (in an Ajeet ‘Lion’ voice): (RECAP) Its very very simple…Komolika is trying to F$%k around with Tulsi by killing her husband, who just wouldn’t die, Mrinalini is helping Tulsi and also helping Komolika, and Mandira is not Mihir’s wife as popularly believed, Mihir is actually married to Komolika but Tulsi thinks he is married to her…whatever, its all bullshit!
- For all of you who are wondering what happened to Komolika, here is an update: She suffered slip disk under the weight of her lehnga. We need a new actress now.
- Narrator: It is not real!! So STOP crying!
- Narrator: Here is an important message for all the ladies watching us right now, “STOP PLOTTING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER IN LAW”
- (Doctor to Tulsi): You are suffering from Schizophrenia, (turns to all her relatives standing next to her bed) and its time for you to leave the show.
- Issued in Public Interest.
- This week in Kyunkiiii-fill-in-whatever-hain, all characters take a class on ‘ poisons that can be easily added to milk without changing its color.’
- Maa Saa! What did you do in park? There are Bajrang Dal people throwing stones at our house now.
- Tulsi: Oh! F$%k! You mean to say this is not big brother’s house. I want to leave now!
- (All the characters in unison): Reality TV is kicking our ass. So from next episode, we are going to use more profanity, wear skimpy clothes, and do whatever we do now.
[Note: For quite some time now, I have been so inspired to do a Mock The Week India blog, but till that works out, lets remain satisfied with Unlikely things...]
In a Day…
…when i feel like I am suffering from African Sleeping Sickness, and I am dreaming of best ways to ferry entire population from earth to another ‘livable’ planet ( in case we find one), here are a few stories that I wanted to share [Source: Harper's Magazine]:
1.
Police in Turkey rescued nine women from a villa where they had spent the last two months being made to fight each other, wear bikinis, and dance by a swimming pool for what they falsely believed was a reality-TV show.
My favorite bit in there – ‘made to fight each other’
2.
A man in Wales was sentenced to prison for murdering his partner after she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “single.”
And here I am, facebook-challenged, still fumbling at all the options on facebook homepage!
3.
After successfully praying for his release from a stuck elevator, a devout Catholic in Vienna went directly to church, where, giving thanks to God, he embraced an 860-pound altar, which fell over, killing him instantly.
Thats one godly way to say, “Stop pestering me! Press the emergency button or call the elevator guy next time!”
Good Trailer
Bad Trailer
No! You Moron…
…you are not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight. You can stay out till late.
…you cannot go on some job finder website and fill application forms to be the next Grim Reaper. It is not an advertised post kind of thing.
…Earth is not flat! You cannot walk over the edge, go over to the bottom side, hang there due to gravity and qualify to be called ‘Spiderman’. That’s not how it works.
…Earth is not flat!! You cannot stand at the edge, and play ‘Spitting into outer space’ competition.
…Running inside a plane is not going to reduce/increase your flight time.
…when I say ‘White chocolate Mocha’, it does not imply ‘ICED White Chocolate Mocha’.
…Tom Cruise is not God!! And don’t ask me, ‘why not?’
…the reason telephone booths are no longer used is not because too many superhero were changing clothes there.
…you cannot jump out of a plane, and unbutton your shirt to make a temporary parachute.
…we cannot cover the whole Pacific Ocean with ‘post-its’.
…you cannot use watermelons in Hadron collider –not even for fun-sake.
…inventing a machine that converts every creature into a 2D cartoon is not going to make more space for increasing population.
…J.K. Rowling is not responsible for extinction of hippogriffs. They never existed!!!!
…just because your parents named you ‘Neo’ does not mean this whole world is a $%^ing MATRIX and you are the ‘ONE’. By same logic your younger brother should have been a ‘tragedy’!
[Note: This post is dedicated to all the morons who at some point have contributed to screwing up my life. Thanks!]
‘The’ Birthday Post
AFTER THE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND
Friends who travel hundreds of miles to wish you, send you messages across the oceans, a conference call that makes you feel that they are right there with you, Two amazing set of mails by your younger brother, bunch of friends who turn up at your house at midnight, call you and sing “Happy Birthday..” on speaker phone, loads of calls from family, relatives and friends, a party at your adviser’s place, an electric guitar, a LED light that projects universe on your ceiling, loads of books, cards, an amazing shirt…and lots of love…Its BLISS!!!
If that’s what getting older is…I love it!!!
FLASHBACK (to birthday..)
Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me!! HAPPPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY TOOO MEEE!!! Many girlfriends to me…la laa la laaaaa…..
Just a few minutes back, I turned a year older (all of a sudden, like voosh, and my jeans does not fit me now!!) , and as I celebrate another very heavy milestone (weight-wise) in my life, I would like to thank all my family and friends for protecting me from world (or vice versa), and proving that ‘Survival of Fittest’ does not hold true in some cases. Thanks to my pet earthworm (I have one! His name is Timothy), for showing me that I am not the only crawling thing in this world….I have spoken for so long now…Where is my Oscar??…Oh! its NOT Oscar Night, Oh! Okay! Then in that case please disregard everything I said.
What else, hmmm, yup!, RESOLUTIONS, Birthday Resolutions! (I don’t know why I said it in Bond, James Bond Style)….lets see, first I have to repair the broken umbrella lying in my living room, secondly I have to decide on a tattoo design and location, and last I want to be the youngest Nobel Laureate.
Fan Fiction
[No is also an answer!]
“Give me an unbreakable vow that you will help Draco finish the job assigned to him by dark lord”, says Narcissa Malfoy.
Snape looks into the darkness of Whatever Street and says, “There are very few people in this world, for whom I would do anything, and you lost that right, when you walked away on me 19 years, 2 months, and 10 hours back.”
He looks at Narcissa’s face for one last time and walks away, without saying any further word. Narcissa stands there alone, watches him disappear into the dark alleys, his flowing robes slowly following him, and images from past flashing before her eyes….
[Mistaken Identities]
“Professor Langdon, we found this symbol inscribed…”
“Excuse me, hold on, How many times should I tell you that I am not this Langdon dude!”
“Professor, this is no time to joke, if we don’t act now, the whole world is going to end in 10 hrs…”
“..and how much of those 10 hrs do you want to waste on me. I am not a Professor, my last name is not Langdon, and all these symbols are just cave drawings to me.”
“What about your ID, which says Dr. Robert Langdon”
“Ohhh!! That!!! I was at this restaurant the other day, and I met this totallyyy drunk bastard, and he said that he was ready to trade his wallet for the piece of paper on which I was playing Pictionary. So, I just said deal, and here am I.”
Indiblogger of the Month
Yours truly’s totally untruly yours blog has been nominated for the Indiblogger of the month Contest. Yayyyyy!!! Yippeeeeee!!!!! (jump on bed)!!!! (catching my breath)…Yayyyy!!
A quick look at all the other nominee’s and I am pretty sure that I don’t deserve to win -there are way more funnier blogs. But just in case, you think different, you can follow the link, and vote. (Oh! there are 21 hours left for voting). But what I would suggest is that do check the list of nominee’s, there are some amazing blogs listed there.
Indiblogger of the Month (Original Humor Category)
Oh and just in case, you vote for me because you are high right now (and my blog happened to be first on list there)/you decided to click on vote with your eyes closed (and I got lucky)/you love this blog/you love me (blush blush), then you will get an iPOD from my side. I have a lot of them because I always visit sites as their 100, 000th visitor and they always say, “conGRATULATIONSS!!! you have won an iPOD touch”
Anyways, remember, there are only 21 hours left. The list might just vanish after that…
UPDATE: ….and just in case, you don’t vote for me, my friend Matt is going to ask his pet gnomes to build nests in your hairs, drill holes in your brain, sell gray matter to leprechauns, and fill the drilling holes with valium (they are really polite).
It happened to my friend’s friend…
Happened to You = True *
*If you are not on crack or you are not schizophrenic or you are not totally sloshed.
Happened to your friend = Its probably true **
** Depends on which friend it is.
Happened to your friend’s friend = Not true ***
*** I have heard about friend’s friend who have seen unicorns that poop rainbows, butterflies that can swallow Chihuahuas, dodos roaming in their village (in 1990’s), have dated international pageant winners.
Especially, when it comes to acts of grandpa’s, its mostly not true. I have heard about friend’s friend’s grandpa who was kidnapped by aliens and then he came back after beating the crap out of them, or grandpas who defeated the whole Nazi army single handedly, or grandpas who discovered a flying machine before Wright brothers/Montgolfier or hmmm…yeah..my favorite…grandpa who found Wonderland and rescued Alice from there!
