Unlikely Things to Hear In Indian Parliament
“Dear Mr. Speaker, I call for a pillow fight on the issue of nuclear non-proliferation.”
“Why can’t the BJP, have beer pong competition and settle their internal differences for once and all.”
“Now is the time to vote. So all the members of house are requested to please wake up.”
Speaker: Today we have a special guest in the house, DJ Mbanwa Jay Jango, So lets “Shake it! Shake it!….”
“This year I am making a change to the rail budget. From now on, the rail budget would be presented in the rail itself. So everybody, please book your tickets to tomorrow’s Shatabdi Express.”
“Madame Gandhi, Can you please ask or order our prime minister to sign on this act?”
Speaker: After counting the votes for the No-confidence motion, it seems that is a TIE. But don’t worry, I have tie-breaker questions.
“As a matter of fact, I don’t have too much confidence in a motion that is called No-Confidence motion.”
“Before we start the proceedings of house, lets congratulate our minister of defense for achieving highest score in ‘International Quake 3 Fight Down’.”
Prime Minister: …and that ladies and gentleman, is our State of Nation. Thank you! Jai Hind!…. Oh! And don’t forget Friday night, poker at my place.”
“There is only one man who can save us now, and that, Mr. Speaker, happens to be, Shaktiman! Shaktimaaaannn!!! Wo atam shakti hain, duniaya badal sakti hain, ….
“…population is rising, pollution is increasing, poverty is increasing, unemployment is rising, prices are going high, suicide rate among farmers is increasing, crime rate is increasing. I can’t understand why people are saying that our country is going down?”
“I DEMAND…am sorry, I forgot what I was saying..”
“We are the living proof, that Murphy was right when he said, “Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”
“Rakhi, I love you!!!”
Unlikely Things to Hear On Indian Reality Shows
“Aye, main to kaam waali bai re! mere ko to khali ghar saaf karne ka bola!” (I am the house cleaning lady, and I was told to clean the house)
All our audience who are wondering why they are seeing only a blank screen today, here’s the answer; actually a robber broke into our house last nite and stole all our cameras.
“I am Pratibha Patil, and I am a witch doctor!”
“Okay, all the participants, we are going to leave five alligators in your bedroom tonite. All those who survive will face a vote out tomorrow.”
“Rakhi ji is going to marry you one by one, but you have to tell her one new story every night. If you run out of stories, she will kill you and marry next one.”
“For vote out today, we have Jaadu (from outer space), Krissh and Laloo Prasad Yadav”
“I am a psychic and I know I am going to win this show.”
“Shilpa, you cannot use race card every time.”
“This is Roadies Whiteout. This year we go to Antarctica and winner will get to drive back home on his Karizma Bike. Losers will be buried in snow for posterity.”
“Due to recession, there would be no vote-out today. We are just going to throw some of you out.”
“I am writer of this reality show. So everybody, listen…”
“TRPs are falling. So lets shed some clothes!”
“No Sashi, you can’t tweet everything that goes on in this house. Not even after using metaphorical language.”
“I used to be a cameraman on the amazing race, then I thought, why should I run behind participants holding a camera? I can be a participant myself!”
“Our house got foreclosure notice. Who the hell owns this place?”
About ‘Snakes in the Restroom’
Every now and then, while flipping/scrolling through daily news, there comes an article, which is so different from the usual horror stories of life. Here is one that I found recently:
This is how the article starts:
An Australian man will be putting his toilet seat down in the future after discovering a python almost twice his size curled up in the bowl.
I read this and I am like ‘wow!’. That’s exactly a kind of story I am looking for, among stories of murder, mayhem, war, and likes. –A python sitting calmly in the bowl of a restroom. Imagine, yourself going to restroom in the morning, half asleep, and there it is, a PYTHON, waiting for you. Scary, right? Now imagine your neighbor experiencing this. Funny!
Anyways, a snake wrangler was called and he had following comments to offer:
It’s not unusual to find snakes of that size in the tropics but you don’t find usually them in toilets
Really! Ow oh! this must be a particularly dirty fellow!An odd snake with lack of self respect.
And this is what people said about the owner:
…the owner lives on a rural property where snakes are respected, so he left the python alone and used a different bathroom until it could be safely removed.
Hilarious! What would he have done, if he did not respect snakes – used the restroom with a python sitting in the bowl.
According to the whole story and in words of the snake wrangler, this was the take home message:
Keep the toilet seat down and look before you sit!
Just cracked me up! Simply hilarious!
I read this and realized World’s a much better place!
In a Day…
…when i feel like I am suffering from African Sleeping Sickness, and I am dreaming of best ways to ferry entire population from earth to another ‘livable’ planet ( in case we find one), here are a few stories that I wanted to share [Source: Harper's Magazine]:
1.
Police in Turkey rescued nine women from a villa where they had spent the last two months being made to fight each other, wear bikinis, and dance by a swimming pool for what they falsely believed was a reality-TV show.
My favorite bit in there – ‘made to fight each other’
2.
A man in Wales was sentenced to prison for murdering his partner after she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “single.”
And here I am, facebook-challenged, still fumbling at all the options on facebook homepage!
3.
After successfully praying for his release from a stuck elevator, a devout Catholic in Vienna went directly to church, where, giving thanks to God, he embraced an 860-pound altar, which fell over, killing him instantly.
Thats one godly way to say, “Stop pestering me! Press the emergency button or call the elevator guy next time!”
Good Trailer
Bad Trailer
No! You Moron…
…you are not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight. You can stay out till late.
…you cannot go on some job finder website and fill application forms to be the next Grim Reaper. It is not an advertised post kind of thing.
…Earth is not flat! You cannot walk over the edge, go over to the bottom side, hang there due to gravity and qualify to be called ‘Spiderman’. That’s not how it works.
…Earth is not flat!! You cannot stand at the edge, and play ‘Spitting into outer space’ competition.
…Running inside a plane is not going to reduce/increase your flight time.
…when I say ‘White chocolate Mocha’, it does not imply ‘ICED White Chocolate Mocha’.
…Tom Cruise is not God!! And don’t ask me, ‘why not?’
…the reason telephone booths are no longer used is not because too many superhero were changing clothes there.
…you cannot jump out of a plane, and unbutton your shirt to make a temporary parachute.
…we cannot cover the whole Pacific Ocean with ‘post-its’.
…you cannot use watermelons in Hadron collider –not even for fun-sake.
…inventing a machine that converts every creature into a 2D cartoon is not going to make more space for increasing population.
…J.K. Rowling is not responsible for extinction of hippogriffs. They never existed!!!!
…just because your parents named you ‘Neo’ does not mean this whole world is a $%^ing MATRIX and you are the ‘ONE’. By same logic your younger brother should have been a ‘tragedy’!
[Note: This post is dedicated to all the morons who at some point have contributed to screwing up my life. Thanks!]
‘The’ Birthday Post
AFTER THE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND
Friends who travel hundreds of miles to wish you, send you messages across the oceans, a conference call that makes you feel that they are right there with you, Two amazing set of mails by your younger brother, bunch of friends who turn up at your house at midnight, call you and sing “Happy Birthday..” on speaker phone, loads of calls from family, relatives and friends, a party at your adviser’s place, an electric guitar, a LED light that projects universe on your ceiling, loads of books, cards, an amazing shirt…and lots of love…Its BLISS!!!
If that’s what getting older is…I love it!!!
FLASHBACK (to birthday..)
Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me!! HAPPPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY TOOO MEEE!!! Many girlfriends to me…la laa la laaaaa…..
Just a few minutes back, I turned a year older (all of a sudden, like voosh, and my jeans does not fit me now!!) , and as I celebrate another very heavy milestone (weight-wise) in my life, I would like to thank all my family and friends for protecting me from world (or vice versa), and proving that ‘Survival of Fittest’ does not hold true in some cases. Thanks to my pet earthworm (I have one! His name is Timothy), for showing me that I am not the only crawling thing in this world….I have spoken for so long now…Where is my Oscar??…Oh! its NOT Oscar Night, Oh! Okay! Then in that case please disregard everything I said.
What else, hmmm, yup!, RESOLUTIONS, Birthday Resolutions! (I don’t know why I said it in Bond, James Bond Style)….lets see, first I have to repair the broken umbrella lying in my living room, secondly I have to decide on a tattoo design and location, and last I want to be the youngest Nobel Laureate.
the problem is…
After watching five crappy movies in a row, this is exactly how I feel –it’s a world full of bad screenwriters! I cry for the forests.
Anyways, I saw this trailer, and decided to look back at all the stories I had written, and classify them into piles of “Torture on Nature”, “Why??” and “Well! Ahem! Its different kind of story!” Ladies and Gentleman, I better not tell you the numbers in each pile, but lets just put in dialogues of “Bluetooth Virgin”, that the problem with some of them is that they were written.
******
[Screenplay]
“I am writing a screenplay”
“Wow! What is it about?”
“Its about this chef on H.M.S Beagle!”
“You mean, H.M.S Beagle as in the ship on which Darwin traveled.”
“Yup! Exactly!”
“And?”
“The story unfolds to reveal that he was the actual proponent of evolution theory. What do you think about it?”
“Err..Don’t you think its missing some action?”
“No, No! I forgot to tell you, the chef is actually a time traveler, and he actually stole the idea from Darwin himself, and then the guy, I mean, the chef gets murdered too. What do you think now?”
“err…ahem ahem…”
Fan Fiction
[No is also an answer!]
“Give me an unbreakable vow that you will help Draco finish the job assigned to him by dark lord”, says Narcissa Malfoy.
Snape looks into the darkness of Whatever Street and says, “There are very few people in this world, for whom I would do anything, and you lost that right, when you walked away on me 19 years, 2 months, and 10 hours back.”
He looks at Narcissa’s face for one last time and walks away, without saying any further word. Narcissa stands there alone, watches him disappear into the dark alleys, his flowing robes slowly following him, and images from past flashing before her eyes….
[Mistaken Identities]
“Professor Langdon, we found this symbol inscribed…”
“Excuse me, hold on, How many times should I tell you that I am not this Langdon dude!”
“Professor, this is no time to joke, if we don’t act now, the whole world is going to end in 10 hrs…”
“..and how much of those 10 hrs do you want to waste on me. I am not a Professor, my last name is not Langdon, and all these symbols are just cave drawings to me.”
“What about your ID, which says Dr. Robert Langdon”
“Ohhh!! That!!! I was at this restaurant the other day, and I met this totallyyy drunk bastard, and he said that he was ready to trade his wallet for the piece of paper on which I was playing Pictionary. So, I just said deal, and here am I.”
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